ANGER COMES KNOCKING

Ramin Entry #14

A major shift happened three weeks ago when I discovered my true Self as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). That shift has been moving parts of my inner world to their rightful places. However, something has been looming and creeping, tainting me with a deep feeling of uneasiness and wariness. I couldn’t quite comprehend or put my finger on it until today, when it came as a visitor.

Anger came knocking at my door.

What do I do? How do I respond?

Do I entertain it?

Do I ignore it?

Do I feel afraid?

Do I push it aside?

Do I confront it?

Do I reject it?

Do I turn away?

Do I run?

Do I hate it?

Do I get angrier?

Do I accept it?

For far too long I’ve pushed anger away as an annoying visitor who comes unannounced to cause mountains of damaging unpleasantness, and leave behind trails of overwhelmingly demoralizing emotions, with severing relationships as an added housewarming bonus. I was always fearful of it, hated it, rejected it, pushed it aside, ran from it, and resented it. I never took the time to engage in truthful communications for an intimate relationship. I never really understood it.

This time, the visitor at the door is Deep-Seated Anger!

What do I do? How do I respond?

Releasing quietness of mind from deep breaths, I opened the door wide, invited him in to have coffee and let him have at it straight up. I listened, pondered, and processed while a glooming black cloud emerged and hovered. Horrid lightning crackled and menacing thunder generously rumbled, buzzing my ears in disarray patterns. Rain fell tapping on the roof, pitter-pattering eerily in mindless repetitions when all of a sudden, a gush of wind broke open the window, hurling in the rain sideways to drench my soul in its wrath. Sadness unspeakably engulfs, nightmarishly nauseating.

How did I end up here?

Where do I belong in this cruel world? Constantly misunderstood everywhere and by most everyone, least by my own mind. A stuck, mistreated, battered, neglected, dilapidated wood adrift on the high seas, less than human, floating endlessly, wondering, lost, directionless, purposeless.

A lifetime of systematic brainwashing and abuse to disassemble, diminish, confiscate, rob, snatch, kidnap, deprive, seize, and steal. Unceasingly continuous belittling, forbidding, restricting, preventing, and controlling of ever showing over-the-accepted “normal” emotions or feelings or deep thoughts or even so much as getting in touch with them. Like a stealthy burglar who takes only one insignificant item at a time from my home, unbeknownst to me when nothing is left behind but emptiness.

An assembly of words to depict over-feelings, overly sensitive, overly emotional, overly passionate, overthinking, and perfectionism were engrained to be negatives and taboos to best be feared, avoided, shoved, repressed, and suppressed. In doing so, I have turned myself against my Self, interweaving a complex maze of self-rejections, self-loath, self-animosity, self-disgust, and self-hatred. The very purpose of the soul of the Self whose gift soothes, protects, guides, and self-regulates my internal world has become my own worst sworn enemy. Contradictions and confusions naturally became my survival’s defenses and best friends. I am not who I am. Disconnected from Self I cease to exist. I have become a stranger to myself. In essence, I have murdered my Self. A sad and dark overtone of existential crisis that pains me to the very core of my being.

Never have I met anyone who recognizes my HSP, the rabbit, as a unique gift who deserves acknowledgement, recognition, acceptance, attention, guidance, nurturing, and control to foster positivity, strength, and potentials.

I retreat in silence from all toxicity with glass empty and full of holes. The Self is screaming for healing and alignment, yet life goes on casually, carelessly, and uncaringly. Time is not a friend I can rely on presently.

Owning my anger is empowering for it allows access to the core of the Self and facilitates active listening. This will be a long arduous, torturous, and lonely journey, filled with many heartaches and triumphs that I rejoice, because everything that God allows to come my way is always with a purpose. God uses even the greatest miseries and deepest pain to mold me into a better person.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless