AUTHENTICITY. DEAREST PAIN: I’M LISTENING TO YOU

Ramin Entry #38

7 November – 25 December 2022

Who are you?
What are you?
Why are you?

Why do you follow me?
Why do you haunt me?
Why do you torment me?

Why then?
Why now?
Why still?

Ever present although we haven’t really met.
Inside of me you’ve caused wreckage.
Damage so great it’s unfathomable.

You’ve shamed me.
You’ve made me weak.
You’ve broken me.

I feel you.
I’ve felt you.
I’ve always felt you.

You were my venom.
You were my enemy.
You were my nemesis.

I’ve ignored you.
I’ve avoided you.
I’ve despised you.

You keep coming back.
You keep hurting me.
You keep breaking me.

I can’t get rid of you.
I can’t push you back.
I can’t fight you any longer.

Your persistence forces me to learn.
Seems like best friends you and I have been.
A complicated relationship you and me.

What message do you have for me?
What wisdom shall I partake of you?
What great mystery shall I uncover?

How shall I interpret you?
How shall I understand you?
How shall I respond to you?

How did you exist?
How far back did you come to be?
How have you sustained your life?

Why do you linger?
Why do you do what you do?
What is your purpose?

Are you here to destroy?
Are you here to protect?
Are you here as something else?

I’ve tried to understand you.
I’ve misunderstood you.
I’m understanding you now.

You have great compassion.
You have great wisdom.
You have great love.

Now I’m leaning into you.
Now I’m feeling every part of you.
Now I’m following through.

Now I acknowledge every emotion.
Now I validate every emotion.
Now I process every emotion.

This is how I unlock my prison doors.
This is how I uncover the roots.
This is how I unearth the dead.

This is how I acknowledge unresolved emotions.
This is how I introduce words to articulate emotions.
This is how I assign language to unknown emotions.

This is how I accept myself.
This is how I restore myself.
This is how I make myself whole.

Are you here to stay?
I have so many questions for you.
So much lost time to regain.

No stone unturned.
So many secrets to discover.
So much to look forward to.

I appreciate you.
I thank you.
I love you.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here