AUTHENTICITY. LIFE IS UNFAIR

Ramin Entry #36

18-19 December 2022

What emotion is this?
Gnawing at my soul.
Like maggots on dead flesh.
Decomposition their living passion.

Decomposition of the old transforms anew.
This a price of freedom and authenticity.
Neither which I initially understood.
Nor death a constant residence.

Gifted the choice of new life.
On silver platters it was presented.
From contemplation of death or surviving.
What other alternative could there be?

Into this body my soul was injected.
A mix-up or blunder lost in confusion?
My very existence unacknowledged.
My soul despairingly yearns for dejection.

Jump off a cliff or grow wings to fly?
Which choice would you make?
In desperations to ending this life.
A daily integration it has become.

Wings of freedom I’ve tasted.
Featherlight enlightenment savored the air.
Falling off the cliff I’m spiraling on broken wings.
Must regain awareness else crash and burn.

My life a definition of suffering.
A life I never fit in.
The world billowing unfair judgments.
This world so cruel it hurts.

Good intentions gravely perceived.
Kindness returned in hostility.
What more must I offer?
When everything I am is misunderstood.

Have I not suffered enough?
Of this agony I carry from birth.
If only my birth had been a choice.
A no-brainer decision that would have been.

My soul a sensitive powerhouse.
Conformity the world demanded.
Pretentious snuggling arms preying on victims.
Only to be spit out like bitter concoction.

Death has become a friend.
Its hospitality I’ve looked forward to.
Never granting my wishes.
This friend a keepsake for future meet and greet.

What has become of me?
Where do I belong in this brutal life?
My existence shamed and rejected.
By loved ones no less.

Loved ones dear to my heart.
Incredible betrayals I can’t shake off.
A sour note permanently etched.
My heart burns with eternal sadness.

Am I still a person?
Am I still a human being?
Am I not deserving of compassion?
Am I not deserving of love?

How deep must I fill the ocean?
Indescribable tears unjustifiable in words.
Wellspring flowing from unresolved emotions.
Of brokenness beyond repair.

A prisoner inside I must now rescue.
Abused, wounded, scarred, battered.
Stripped, trapped, abandoned, bewildered.
Insignificant, discarded, trashed, wasted.

Off the beaten path I travel.
Solitude and pain as condiments.
A winding journey of miseries and tribulations.
This course into an unknown wilderness.

My life a sad symphony.
My life is not my own.
My life saved by a greater power.
My life a magical symphony.

Onward I must persist.
A reborn of umpteen times.
Higher purpose I must pursue.
There lays the meaning of my life.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here