BROKEN DREAM…or IS IT?

Ramin Entry #44

22 September 2023

3 weeks have passed since my decision to resign from the Bachelor of Psychology Program at Atma Jaya University. It was an excruciatingly painful yet peaceful decision made with great consideration for my well-being, health, and most importantly, my life. I would confidently say that it was probably the biggest conscious decision I’ve ever made with full awareness of choice.

Yet why am I still crying as I write this?

I have observed physical changes, as well as shifts in my inner emotional and mental world…subtle in the beginning that I could easily process, but they got weirder and deeper as time passed, so much so that I’ve felt my emotional stability consumed and taken over. A scare climaxed 4 days ago waking up feeling disoriented and not knowing who I was nor where I was. According to my Neurologist, these could be attributed to the several epileptic episodes still happening daily.

I could feel from deep inside something has been trying to push its way up to the surface to say hello. These few days my behavior hasn’t been quite myself and frankly it has made me feel very uncomfortable to be in that skin. I’m receiving the message that begs me to question…What traumas have I buried so deep as a child? As frighteningly bloodcurdling as it is to anticipate its appearance, I cordially invite and welcome its very arrival. I’m listening, acknowledging, validating, and accepting whatever it is from the deep abyss.

Will incidents like this keep happening? Am I ready for the worst to come? At the moment it’s still a blank canvas waiting to be colored and painted. It now becomes my choice to choose which colors to paint with or simply to leave it blank and give up to let “fate” take over its destiny. I consciously choose to take the initiative to actively investigate and explore deeper into this unknown universe with God on my side…a dauntingly exciting adventure this will be, with missing puzzle pieces already being unearthed just from expressing this piece of writing alone; gaining new perspectives and insights about myself.

The pursuit of my dreams still continues. I now have shopping to do to discover new vehicles for that ride on my new journey…yay! The learning process never dies until my physical body eventually dies.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here