CHRISTMAS, THE SADDEST DAY OF MY YEAR

Ramin Entry #53

25 December 2023

As a child I’ve always looked forward to Christmas as a special day, counting down to it secretly in luscious longing and great anticipation. It wasn’t for the presents and gift-giving because my family never had that tradition. It wasn’t for the festivity either because I wasn’t really attracted to that. Yes, my family usually received a copious amount of cakes and hampers that admittedly drove me into a joyful glutton in trying to finish them all…this memory still brings a smile to my face. It wasn’t even about the Christmas tree and the decorations. It had been for reasons and meanings much deeper than what’s been societally fabricated. I never knew why I liked Christmas…until now…

Now, Christmas has become the saddest day of the year, and counting down to it has become a dread with seeds of anxiety, disappointment, and anger. Being at this opposite spectrum, I realize that my fondness of childhood Christmas time was about togetherness as everyone began showing up at their best with happiness, as the slogan kept repeating “It’s the most joyous time of the year”. Far be it for me to have known whether people were really joyous or that the glee was, in fact, a societal fabrication for the sake of the celebration of what’s supposed to be, with my innocence I took it at face value. For me really, it was about the human connections more than anything else – not just amongst my immediate circles, but connections throughout the world. Somehow the energy of the entire world felt better. It gave me hope for the human race. Writing this is unearthing another realization of how different my perceptions of the world have been from other people ever since childhood. I was always feeling deeper, questioning everything, and being curious.

Growing up, Christmas somehow changed for me as I began feeling uncomfortable being forced into the festivity that I didn’t resonate with in the first place. Being a people pleaser and in an effort to conform, it inadvertently became more and more about gift-giving and festivities. Moreover, with the introduction of instant technologies, Christmas has become instant and impersonal. I feel lost in this web of changes and I can no longer derive meaning from Christmas, especially now being a castaway because of my transitioning. If my being different could erase familial connection to delete family Christmas time, then I’ve completely lost faith and my belief in Christmas altogether; it has now become just another ordinary day for me. This is the second consecutive year that I’m spending a family-less Christmas or being forbidden to be in the family gathering.

Today has become the saddest day of my year, being alone and feeling lonely. This Christmas I’m being compassionate with myself in setting personal boundaries to not just seek and participate in any festivities and gatherings as a mere avoidance coping mechanism to evade the real traumatic emotions I’m feeling. I’m being gentle and careful to be present to care for my hurt inner child, so I choose to step back in solitude. I hope for a better Christmas next year.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here