DEATH

Ramin Entry #50

31 October – 9 November 2023

Thoughts of death have been gradually intensifying to occupy and accompany me all throughout a good part of more than two whole weeks. Feelings of unworthiness, shame, unloved, hopelessness, and helplessness have crept up on me like a faithful friend every day from my waking hours and all into the night, disrupting my sleep in frenzy anxiety. It’s been paralyzing and debilitating.

Activities normally pleasurable to me have turned into total disinterest. Frozen in time, unable to reach out, connect, or interact, solitude has become a priority in this mode of pure survival. Social interactions and connections that I usually so loved and looked forward to, have now flipped into angst and fear. Flooded with incomprehensible imprints of traumatic sensations and unable to think or analyze, I have been disoriented, disconnected, and disassociated from myself. Gone is the cheerful, friendly, and positive Ramin; now replaced by a dark cloud of withdrawment, disengagement, and gloominess, additionally wrapped neatly in pretty-looking negativity bowties.

My body has been busy communicating physical messages for the most part of my adult life, but I just haven’t had the ability to listen. I haven’t had the compassion or the kindness to interpret the messages as well. Furthermore, I haven’t had the knowledge to understand or decipher the meaning of occupying a physical body or what that body actually represents. Once more, my body has now had enough of the neglect and abuse – the message is crystal clear – so I’m now listening…hard.

To realize this quest, I’ve been delving into the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk to learn about so much expansive information, unique perspectives, and valuable insights into the characteristics and personality of trapped traumas, to dive deeper to peel off my traumas layer by layer.

As a counselor and a trauma healer, being my own patient has really been instrumental in understanding these emotions. Had it not been for my past experiences, learnings, and training (having said that, these prerequisites are not a guaranteed escape route to traumas either), I wouldn’t have had the ability to equip myself with the necessary know-how, tools, and techniques, and more importantly, to act on them for continued survival – I wouldn’t have been able to face the immense urges of death that have been haunting me every day. However, my cognitive knowledge and my internal emotions are still completely conflicted. Even though I’ve now become a person who is governed and driven by my intrinsic system, it’s unreliable at the moment – that system seems to be broken now.

Be that as it may, when past traumas are triggered and reactivated, the part of the brain (called Broca’s area) that governs words automatically deactivates, making it almost impossible to comprehend the light at the end of the tunnel. Conversely, the part of the brain that governs visuals (called Brodmann’s area 19) then lit up like a Christmas tree, projecting unmodified traumatic sensations and images as if those past traumas are actually happening at that very present moment, re-living them all over again. Above all, the part of the brain (called the Amygdala) that governs instinctive protection from impending dangers activates a cascade of stress hormones and nerve impulses to ready the body for flight/fight/freeze/fawn responses. All these physiological activations deactivate the left brain that governs rational thinking, logical thinking, analyzing, and language, making it incredibly difficult and insurmountable to describe and understand the experience, let alone to ask for help – even for me. Understanding brain functions has given me a new understanding of what goes on behind the scenes of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and suicides. I can now begin to understand what has been happening to me.

My hurt and traumatized inner child returns and she feels very confused, disappointed, angry, and unsafe. She’s trapped in the past…

I’m holding a safe space for my inner child to let her be brutally honest with her emotions and feelings. I’m not denying or judging anything and certainly not avoiding or running away any longer. I’m learning to embrace and be comfortable with her discomfort, relying on bravery and courage to face uncomfortable and unfathomable painful emotions. I’m letting her level of discomfort be a guide to how deep of an investigation I need to dive into. I’m acknowledging, validating, and processing all the negativities, so I may be able to accept, integrate, and internalize them as parts of myself that they truly are.

This is an experiential learning into trauma healing and I’m very grateful for this unique opportunity. I’m letting my body & nervous system be my guide and mentor. I can now begin my deep investigation…

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here