DECEPTIVE SURREALISM

Ramin Entry #13

I awake with a surreal feeling of calmness again, but this time with a recognition of its deceptiveness.

THE DOG…

The silence is almost deafening. Lying down on the bed looking up, the sky is as clear as glass. Hues of blues and whites brush the sky in perfect accord, rendering a beautiful tantalizing nature’s painting. The calmness has an eerily beautiful undertone. I could feel contended being here forever.

As I begin to arise and glance away, the perfect image swiftly diminishes to take a sudden turn of horrid disbelieve. Rotating columns of air encircle me with swirling cloud walls of wind and non-stop lightning in a choreographed zigzag dance. The perfect painting crumbled and paralysis took over, a grappling realization that this perfect image is The Eye of the Tornado, and I am in it!

THE MIND…

Chaos doesn’t begin to describe the mayhem I can barely see through the columns of air when all of a sudden, I am sucked into the very cloud walls. I am powerless, submissive, pathetic, and conforming, devoid of any drop of self-love and virtue. Loud thunders echo with a colossal mix of piercingly earsplitting screams and deep reverberating resonant of rhythms, the perfect harmony of amplitude to cause agonizing rupture to my soft cerebral grey matter. Powerful ferocious vertical winds loft debris and wreckages airborne into the air, hurling, tossing, and zipping them about like child’s toys in blinding speed and agility; dodging them is a decisive and calculated game of mortality. On the ground level, leaving behind in its path is utter destruction. Thousands of layers of loud noises mesh together in an unsynchronized tune of ultimate dizzying proportions, inducing confusions and prolonged madness. Angry lightning flashes viciously in an array of glowing and blinding cosmic illusions, by which immense brightness melts my delicate retina of ever seeing hope. Violent rumbling sensations shake the very core of my bones, sending ripples of chills down my spine in unchartered waves of debilitating trembles, shivers, quakes, seizures, convulsions, and tremors.

THE RABBIT…

My exhausted muscles ache and throb with feelings of being torn limb from limb from the jostling, pushing, pulling, tumbling, and spinning uncontrollably in every which direction. When by surprise, an unexpected window appears as a gracious gesture of invitation. I gathered the very last drop of energy and will-power to reach through the window. A momentary glimpse of the other side of the cloud walls…a world without tornado…and something is staring back at me…HOPE.

THE DECEPTION…

How does this story end? For what it’s worth, it may never end…

This story paints a snapshot narrative picture of my three-week-long journey of embracing, transforming, and transitioning into the rabbit, the HSP me, the newly-discovered me.

The Eye of the Tornado is a very dangerous place for me to be. This is where 44 years of lifelong dog-life neuro-programing rests most comfortably, complacent, oblivious, and conforming; stubborn, fearful, and resistant to change.

Enter the clouds walls. Welcome to my mind. The madness palace where traumas, deep hurt, endless agony, and subconsciousness blend together to form an insurmountably unbearable emotional pain. If you ever wonder why I had the audacity for suicide attempts, I invite and challenge you to spend just one minute in here.

The other side of the cloud walls, the world without tornado, is where I want to be, the unknown life of the rabbit, the hope, the relief, the healing, the peace, the adventure.

The deception is the recognition of the juggling back and forth between these three stages. If and when I take my alertness and self-awareness off at any time, I fall back easily to being in The Eye of the Tornado, unable to see the other side of the cloud walls. Wherever the tornado goes, there goes I am in it, trapped in the prison my mind, void of any escapes, bearings, and resolutions. The dog has had 44 years of deep foundation, the rabbit has only had 3 weeks.

THE LEARNING…

I have no desire to spend another minute in The Eye of the Storm or in the cloud walls ever again if I can help it. It is beyond scary, beyond torture, beyond torment, beyond agony, beyond anguish, beyond nightmare. I know what it is like to be afraid of my own mind. I also have no idea how to not think. Ironically, thinking is like being in a war with myself. This is the great contradiction that is me. I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel, but I am training my mind to be stronger than my emotions or else I lose myself every time.

I have reached my threshold of tolerating or accepting any kind of abuse. I will not make abuse as an intrinsic part of me anymore, from anyone. Enough is enough. I will fight back or hold my response or walk away or ignore you or I will help you to be more aware if you allow me. I am now aware of my responses. I own my responses and it is empowering.

This has been my lifelong fight…this will continue to be my fight…every day…until the day I die. I owe everything to God who gives me the strength, hope, and courage to find, dig, recognize, uncover, forgive, process, fight, and let go.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless