DEEP CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS

Ramin Entry #46

23 October 2023

Unable to reach deep sleep from aching joints and skin from fever, lingering in between states of consciousness, I began to feel and hear my own inner voices echoing from my subconscious. I journaled them in the exact order as they appeared.

This is a large collection of 95 trapped memories I’ve suppressed and repressed that had been entombed. They were ingrained from external factors and largely influenced by people’s judgements of me that I’ve let define me and that I’ve identified with from early childhood all throughout my life. This is horrifying because I have been processing them for over 6 years that I thought had resulted in long hoped-for inner peace. Unbeknownst to me, ever since my departure from Atma Jaya University about two months ago, one by one they began surfacing layer by layer. It’s a miracle I was able to listen to this entire collection simultaneously and in succession.

This is a much deeper level that I couldn’t have anticipated.

This is much harder to process.

I’m very overwhelmed.

~ Nobody cares about me
~ Nobody wants me
~ Nobody wants to be with me
~ Nobody loves me
~ Nobody is interested in me
~ I’m a nobody
~ I do not matter
~ I’m a trash
~ I’m trashy
~ My efforts are futile
~ I’m a failure
~ I’m worthless
~ My life is a waste
~ It doesn’t matter what I do
~ I’m a joke
~ My life is a joke
~ It’s not fair
~ My life is ruined
~ I suck
~ I’m too slow
~ I’m too neat
~ I’m too perfectionist
~ I’m too sensitive
~ I trouble people
~ I’m not capable of doing anything
~ I’m useless
~ I’m useless to everyone
~ I’m useless as a husband
~ I’m useless as a son
~ I’m useless as a brother
~ I’m useless as a person
~ I’m not a good person
~ I’m full of hatred
~ I’m full of anger
~ I feel sorry for myself
~ I’m unworthy
~ I don’t deserve goodness
~ I’m not a person
~ I’m not a human being
~ I hate myself
~ I hate everything about me
~ I’ve let everyone down
~ I don’t deserve to live
~ Everyone hates me
~ Everyone despises me
~ I deserve to die
~ I’m a fake
~ I’m not real
~ I’m pretentious
~ I’ve let myself down
~ I don’t deserve anyone
~ I don’t deserve anything
~ I’m faking it
~ I’m looking for attention
~ I’m craving for validation
~ I’m longing for acceptance
~ I’m dying for love
~ I’m needing real human connection
~ I’m dying inside
~ Why do I need to live?
~ Who wants me?
~ Who wants this trash?
~ I’m always wrong
~ I’m never right
~ Nobody understands me
~ Nobody knows how I feel
~ I’m cursed
~ I’m selfish
~ I’m not important
~ I don’t exist
~ My feelings don’t matter
~ Nobody cares about me
~ My emotions are not valuable
~ Nobody values me
~ I’m the worst person
~ I’m the worst husband
~ I never listen
~ I never care
~ I’m a burden to everyone
~ I never pay attention
~ I’m a disappointment
~ I’m a bother
~ I’m a troublemaker
~ I’m an unwanted child
~ I never meant to be alive
~ I’m a let down
~ I disappoint everyone
~ I hurt everyone
~ I only think of myself
~ I only care about myself
~ I don’t care about anyone
~ I don’t care about anything
~ Why do I even exist?
~ Why should I even exist?
~ I’m better off dying

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here