FIRE, CLIFF, DIVE

Ramin Entry #16

A friend asked me this question yesterday:

“Why do you have to do this now?”

My answer was, “because if I don’t, I’ll die”

I explained that I’ve reached a threshold of point of no return. My inner world has been suffocating, my soul burning with anguish, my mind clouded with shards of razors.

I’m at the edge of a cliff with ferocious fire catching up to me and this makes turning back into a suicide mission…I’d die. Moving forward means jumping and diving…another suicide mission…I’d die. Standing still means smoke inhalation and being burnt alive…another suicide mission…I’d die.

I’ve been honest with myself and to myself by doing all these healing works to understand what that fire means to me really and what lies below the cliff into the far-reaching darkness beyond what I can see.

The immediate hopeful idealistic resolutions would be something like these, though turning these into realistic applicable and livable solutions is another topic altogether.

1. Somehow put out the fire

2. Make some kind of a safety net at the bottom of the cliff to catch my fall

3. Transform myself into a bird so I can fly

There’s no jail-free card that I can magically whip out, but this is where I’m currently at.

I’ve realized that what I’m going through now and what I’ve discovered so far is a form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I need professional help.

Today though, I can at least start to partly explain my dire situation in this analogy:

My highly adaptive coping mechanisms, responses, defenses, and behaviors that have served me all my life to keep me safe and secure from all the traumatic experiences, that have made those experiences survivable, are irrelevant and no longer adaptive now. They now are actually doing me more harm than good, in fact, they’re killing me and I’ve become toxic to myself. They get in the way of me becoming who I want to be.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. You may jump directly from the beginning by searching “Ramin Entry #1” if you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety. The freshest post will always be at the very top.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless