GENDER DYSPHORIA. DEPRESSION. HURT. ANGER. CONVICTION

Ramin Entry #22

I woke up feeling depressed, sad, and fearful. I started questioning myself and everything over again; feeling shameful of myself again. Endorphin-inducing exercises did very little help to pull me out of depression. I now realize and recognize these emotions are the old robot me in autopilot mode attempting to suck me back into the prison of my dark subconscious.

Through my trauma-healing process, I’ve been able to better compartmentalize my emotions and thoughts to only observe them without imposing any self-judgements; this allows me more objective understanding and more freedom of processing. My psychiatrists have also advised me to be self-aware of the rollercoaster ups and downs throughout this journey that naturally occurs in everyone; that this is part of the process to test and reassure my truth.

Today I keep getting messages of gender “normality” from people that I care about and love, attempting to sway me away from my path, to box me back into the prison hell that I’ve already broken through and freed myself from. As much as I appreciate their concerns, I can’t help but feel very hurt and angry.

The hurt keeps reverberating from the question if they have even attempted to wear my shoes to really fully understood my struggles and sufferings that I’ve been feeling and experiencing all my life? Have they even read all my journals to understand my chronicles and context? For them to sway me and force advices without first understanding the purpose of, is conveying a message of “I actually don’t really care about how you feel and what you need, I just want you to conform, judge you, and follow my way and what I know”. Those advices stem from their fear of the unknown; from their fear of themselves should my decision affects them; from (I keep saying this over and over again to prove my point) stereotyping, preconceptions, generalization, dogma, stigma, taboo, and societal norms. In essence, at the core of it, I don’t matter as a human being and I’m only treated as an object to only satisfy their needs. This is a very sad truth.

This anger that I feel is not so much directed to them per se because of the aforementioned; that they don’t know what they don’t know. This anger is more of a general disgust at the cruelty of how humanity is perceived in this world; of how dogmas, stigmas, and societal norms are prioritized more than actual human emotions and feelings that make us human beings; of how skin colors and self-expression are shamed, disgraced, scorned, and persecuted; of how being a unique human being with equally unique emotional needs is being disregarded and dismissed; of how human emotions are treated as commodities and objects; of how conformity is the way of life. Instead of celebrating uniqueness and diversity; of showing empathy, compassion, understanding, support, selflessness, love, and peace.

When I feel angry and hurt, I am not afraid to take ownership of those emotions. Equipped with my writing method that I’ve honed in, I am able to harness those emotions to dig even deeper and further into my subconscious to access and search for the source of the roots of my truth. At the end of the dark tunnel, I would usually discover and uncover even more conviction, determination, and affirmation.

So, I am thankful and grateful for the finger-pointing and judgements, for they allow me to profoundly relearn who I truly am to become an even better human being

Self-awareness is a very powerful grounding tool and skill. Vulnerability and self-expression are our God-given privileges; they are not weaknesses as society dictates; take ownership of your Self, your emotions, and your feelings. Live a life of inner peace, joy, and happiness as we develop deeper humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless