GENDER DYSPHORIA, DISILLUSIONED

Ramin Entry #34

I am broken.
I am scattered.

I am overwhelmed.
I am drowning.

I am alone.
I am powerless.

I am lonely.
I am hopeless.

I am weak.
I am defenseless.

Door opens.
Door closes.

People come.
People go.

Friendship appears.
Friendship disappears.

Laughter creates.
Laughter destroys.

Connection conceived.
Connection lost.

Trust fostered.
Trust deserted.

Time visits.
Time leaves.

Hope formed.
Hope snatched.

Meaningful intention.
Twisted perception.

No matter who I am.
Misunderstood follows like a plaque.

Honesty gained.
Misinterpretation in reprise.

Kindness in meaning.
Hostile demeaning in return.

Is this the price of authenticity?
Impending demise lurking around the corner.

The world crumbles.
The world collapses.

What am I?
Who am I?

How deep does this go?
What happened to me?

How much strength must I summon?
When life is so cruel.

How long must I hold on?
To this life of endless suffering.

This sensitivity.
A blessing or a curse?

Resilience in play.
To what end?

Am I too much?
For anyone or this world.

How long can I endure?
This torment inside.

This heaviness.
Suffocating me.

This pain.
Shredding my soul.

This anguish.
Reoccurring so faithfully.

How truthful must I truly be?
To uncover the true me.

How vulnerable must I be?
To unearth the unwounded me.

How much must I give up?
That I haven’t already.

Is higher purpose worth it?
In the sacrificial of everything.

Every part of me badly scarred.
Is healing a mere dream?

Childhood memories so dark.
A black hole devouring joy through and through.

How far is self-acceptance?
When strangers keep appearing in the mirror.

My very existence.
Shamed and scorned.

Time heals everything.
No more than a glorified cliché.

Time heals nothing.
When the buried remains entombed.

Positive thinking.
The biggest killer lie of all.

When will this end?
What then if I can’t do it no more?

Death used to be a solace.
Perhaps worth a revisit?

My soul shrivels.
God please do not forsake me.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from the beginning >here