GENDER DYSPHORIA DISORDER. JUDGEMENT. HARASSMENT. DISCRIMINATION. PERSECUTION
Ramin Entry #27
When my psychiatrists talked about rejections coming my way, there were not mistaken, especially the further along I walk in the process.
I have had a much longer time to ready myself to come to terms with how I feel compared to others in my close circles, let alone my larger circles and distant circles. For them, my transitioning comes as a shockingly terrifying news, so it’s inevitable that they wouldn’t know how to react appropriately, especially for such a complex subject to understand and grasp.
People in general fear what they don’t know. I realize this and I know in their heart of hearts that they have the best intentions for me. However, their fears of the unknown get the best of them, so their messages, although wrapped with bowties of concerns and love, often come out as being insensitive and downright hurtful.
It takes a grave effort to hold my ground and my peace, especially when I find myself emotionally unsafe and drained from those messages. As much as I would like to empathize and be patient, it angers and pains me to hear those messages and inadvertently, I unconsciously revert back to my old self, the emotionally injured and wounded me; and almost immediately lose sight of my goal by regressing to my default defense mechanisms that I’ve adopted and adapted throughout my life.
I have not isolated myself in this process and I have opened honest lines of conversations and communications, but I can’t help to wonder why I haven’t been asked about how I feel regarding my transitioning. It seems like their concerns are only about how my decision would affect them, rather than being concerned about my wellbeing, safety, mental health, and physical health; when in fact I will be the one under the knife undergoing the surgeries, should I decide to.
I’ve written the following emotional mind map of how I’ve felt for the past 10 days. Between then and now, I have had ample time to digest and repeatedly reedited and rewritten parts this journal. I have contemplated revising to a softer delivery tone, but I feel it would be more on point to keep it real and unpretentious in its raw form. I have to be honest with how I feel about all these triggers that are unbecoming, unfounded, speculative, misunderstood, and deriving only from a one-sided perspective.
It isn’t fair to project them my way without first trying to listen to what I have to say and truly understand what I have felt and experienced for 45 years. Even so, it would be impossible for anyone who has not worn my shoes to really understand the pain and emotional tolls this lifetime of self-denial has produced. In actuality, I don’t expect nor do I wish for anyone to understand, but please, for heaven’s sake, you can try to begin by making some efforts to read my journals. When you do, you would notice the obvious breadcrumbs that I have laid out and left behind on a silver platter, of the massive internal conflicts, the extreme trepidation and dilapidation of my emotional roller coaster; of how I have constructed my life in reverse…or more accurately described as the deconstruction of my life. The journals are easily accessible for a purpose because it would not be feasible for me to have to individually verbally explain all the emotions I have written.
I have removed fawning or people-pleasing from my dictionary, so I’m not into sugarcoating anymore to pretend that everything is alright, because the gravity of the situation is, I am not alright. I am literally alone and lonely in this ship’s journey because none of my immediate love ones have found their tickets to come onboard; my only comforting solace and rest is with God at the helm as my master sailor. I am suffocating, suffering, and in sorrow. This is agonizing for me and I am in constant tears every day, day in and day out. Part of me is still dying inside, and truthfully, I don’t know how much longer I can hold on and keep it together. I am relying on God alone who gives me the strength to continue living. I am trying to maintain my sanity by clinging on to my faith with my dear life until my last breath.
It boggles me how you are able to advise me, attack me, harass me, discriminate me, and persecute me…
about slowing down or stopping my thought process and my sensitivity;
about over-thinking;
about over analyzing;
about guilty feelings;
about regrets;
about religious teachings and theology;
about educating me on how to be a man;
about educating me on the meaning of marriage;
about educating me on the divine purpose of my existence;
about the immorality of transitioning;
about forbidding me to publicize my journals;
about questioning my healing methods;
about my actions as humiliation of your image;
about my actions to tarnish your image;
about the notion that it’s only my desire to only do what I want to do;
about the notion of finding excuses and reasons as means to justify transitioning;
about the notion that this is all just in my imagination;
about the notion that I am not thinking of others around me;
about the unstable nature of my mental and emotional state.
Yes, you are very much entitled to your opinions, and I do respect that. I can’t control what you project at me, nor how you feel, nor can I change your point of view. What I can control is only myself, so I am going to tell you how I feel about it.
I would like to counter you with these questions…
Can you stop being yourself?
Can you stop your lungs from breathing?
Can you stop your heart from pumping?
Can you stop your blood from flowing?
When you get sick, can you tell your illness to slow down or to stop?
When you’re in physical or emotional pain, can you tell it to slow down or to stop?
In this context of my life…
Do you not feel the magnitude of the situation?
Do you not want to first understand the situation?
Do you not want to first learn what Gender Dysphoria Disorder is all about?
Do you not want to first understand the person having the problem?
Do you care more about how you feel?
Do you care more about your image?
Do you really not see me as a human being with real and valid emotions?
Does my life only satisfy your own needs?
Does my life only revolve around your own shortcomings?
Am I just an extension of your inadequacies?
Am I just your puppet that you can control and toy around with?
Am I just an object for your own vanity?
Am I just an object for your own desire?
It is so easy for you to judge me because you’ve never had a problem with your gender identity, so you’ve never had to experience and feel what it’s like to have Gender Dysphoria Disorder. How then are you able to blindly push and force those messages to me?
Do you think this is all just fun and games for me?
Am I not the one living my own life?
Am I not entitled to my own life?
Am I not entitled to take ownership of my own emotions, my own happiness, and my own freedom?
Haven’t I endured enough sufferings and miseries?
Don’t you think I have painstakingly considered everything from every possible angle?
Don’t you think I have studied and researched all that I could on the subject?
Don’t you want to know about how I overcome shame and found immense courage to do this?
Don’t you want to know of how horribly scared I am?
Don’t you want to know of how devastatingly painful I feel walking this process?
Don’t you want to know of how much I have to confront all my inner demons, darkness, and hell all over again, and how petrifying it is?
Don’t you want to know how I feel about risking and putting my life on the line?
Don’t you want to know how excruciating it has been to process, write, and pour out all my feelings, emotions, and thoughts onto these pages?
Don’t you want to know of how much emotional integrity it demands of me to dig and reveal my own ugliness to the world?
Don’t you want to know how depressed I’ve been everyday just thinking, pondering, contemplating, and processing?
Don’t you want to know how much I have to scrape and search every bit of bravery from every corner, nook and crannies, every holes and cracks within me; and if I can’t find them, I would have to create them from thin air?
Have I not been thinking only of others for 45 years by always trying to please them, killing myself in the process?
Am I not thinking of others right now by taking this long process very seriously?
Am I not thinking of others right now by not turning this into a big drama of anger, arguments, curses, fights, threats of suicides, and threats of running away?
Why then are you trying to control my life?
If you don’t know much about the subject, why are you advising me, attacking me, harassing me, discriminating me, and persecuting me as if you’re the expert?
If you are not able to support me, I would appreciate it if you could please find it in your heart to just be compassionate and kind to me, to hold my hands, be there, be present, or to just to listen.
I would appreciate it if you could stop ignoring my feelings and start paying attention to them.
Please be kind, be considerate, and have lots of empathy for anyone who are going through similar struggles like me.
We are human beings – just like yourself.
We want to feel accepted, wanted, validated, and loved – just like yourself.
We want to feel understood – just like yourself.
We want to feel respected – just like yourself.
Yes, we’re “different” according to societal norms, but we’re also just trying to discover ourselves and our identities – just like yourself.
We’re trying to find our peace – just like yourself.
We’re trying to be compassionate to ourselves – just like yourself.
We’re trying to love ourselves – just like yourself.
We’re trying to navigate our life paths – just like yourself.
We only have different problems than you do, that we can’t control and can’t yet fully accept or understand for ourselves; but we damn sure have the courage to try to figure it out! – can you say the same for yourself?
In essence, at the core level of our souls and emotional awareness, we are all the same human beings occupying the same space we call earth, with only differences in problems, struggles, and circumstances. We breath the same air. We bleed the same. We eat and drink the same. We excrete the same substances. If we can only be more self-aware and find peace within ourselves; when we are at peace with ourselves; that peace will resonate and spread like wildfire to others around you. Multiply that by billions of people, would we still have conflicts and injustices? In the same way, if we only have unresolved issues and rubbish within ourselves; when we have internal conflicts, anger, hatred, and resentment; those will also resonate and spread like wildfire to others around you. Multiply that by billions of people, are we still surprised by all the conflicts and injustices in this world?
Just because we appear “different” outwardly than what you’ve been accustomed to, does that give you the permission to judge us?
What do you base your judgement on and what does that say about you?
Do you not realize that you have weaknesses and shortcomings of your own?
Are your judgements based on your own fears, inadequacy, self-esteem, jealousy, shame, vulnerability, denial, or superiority complex?
What is “normal”?
Is your “normal” a universal truth?
Is your “normal” applicable to anywhere else on earth?
Would you also want to be judged for being yourself?
Would you also want to be attacked for being yourself?
Would you also want to be discriminated against for being yourself?
Would you also want to be persecuted for being yourself?
Would you also want to be ridiculed for being yourself?
I hope that you are able to pause and ask yourself before passing any judgements, and be really completely honest with yourself, “What are my judgements based on? Why am I feeling and thinking this way?”. More often than not, believe it or not, how you judge others actually really comes from deep within you of how you see, reflect, and perceive yourself. We as human beings don’t usually recognize flaws that we don’t already recognize within ourselves; that how or what we project to others (words, thoughts, emotions, actions, behaviors) may actually be our subconscious trying to get the attention of our own consciousness as a cry for help. Whether or not you receive this signal really depends entirely on your level of self-awareness and sensitivity. In other words, when you judge others, you are actually only judging yourself.
If given a choice, who would you rather have existed in this world? A “normal” person who is unhappy, bitter, angry, hateful, and resentful; or a “different” person who has inner peace, kind, happy, empathic, and loving?
Self-awareness is a very powerful grounding tool and skill. Vulnerability and self-expression are our God-given privileges; they are not weaknesses as society dictates; take ownership of your Self, your emotions, your feelings, and your truth. Live a life of truth, of inner peace, joy, and happiness as we develop deeper humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless
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