GENDER DYSPHORIA. DOUBT

Ramin Entry #23

Doubt crawls back in ever so softly and gently, with illusions that almost eluded me; as if caressing me with an abundance of compassion and affection, perpetrating itself into logic, whilst playing tricks on my mind.

If crawling didn’t work, perhaps masking itself into a pleasurable delight of ecstatic euphoria, ever so subtle and sublime, tenderly caressing my belief whilst playing tricks on my mind.

Upping its game, perhaps concealing itself with guilt would do the trick, gingerly tip-toeing into my fragile conscience, whilst playing tricks on my mind.

Unsatisfied, perhaps camouflaging itself as fear or lack thereof, dispensing the familiar tools of shame, kneading my heart into a warm ball of gooey dough, whilst playing tricks on my mind.

Relentless, it buries itself into a deep borrow of futility, disguising itself as exhaustion, hiding and waiting to prowl and paunch all over again, whilst playing tricks on my mind.

There it lays still, lingering, hibernating, anticipating for moments of weakness to seep through my guard should I ever divert off my self-awareness, whilst playing tricks on my mind.

Employing different armies of trickeries with intentions to knock me off this path I’m embarking; this time I recognize its adaptive game. It has been an uninvited visitor scattered scantily throughout my life, with its presence and effects so familiar it sickens me to the core, each time leaving devastating trails of unimaginable destructions.

This time I am a transformed person. I too have adapted and developed modified trickeries up my sleeves. Honing and sharpening my senses and sensitivity, I have become an observer, with aspired patience and flexibility that resemble a peaceful flowing water. I acknowledge this visitor, let it in through the front door to tour around the house of my mind and emotions. Taking ownership of the contents of my house, I only watch and observe without any judgment or reaction whatsoever, impartial, unbiased, and open-minded. When it gets bored from my non-reactivity, I open the back door to gracefully say goodbye, being thankful and grateful for its visit. Let it flow…

Self-awareness is a very powerful grounding tool and skill. Vulnerability and self-expression are our God-given privileges; they are not weaknesses as society dictates; take ownership of your Self, your emotions, and your feelings. Live a life of inner peace, joy, and happiness as we develop deeper humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless