GENDER DYSPHORIA. EERIE MIST

Ramin Entry #32

Written 26 October – 7 November 2022

A mist starts creeping in. Invisibility is its cloak. Eerie…hostile…uninvited…unwelcomed…

I see its movement as deliberately as I see air. I feel its malicious effects as carefully as I feel blood coursing through my veins. I hear its presence as sharply as I hear my heartbeat.

A mist so invisible yet so consuming, violating, and devastating…

Passengers of highly trained phantom soldiers began descending from its nano droplets…unannounced. Indistinguishable from the very air I respire, they begin a mission of implementing a slow yet deliberate penetration.

Their covert target: to shake, tumble, and crumble the steadfastness of my foundation at its core.

Corrupting my core would start a chain reaction of imploding me back down to the bottom of the wormhole I had agonizingly climbed out of.

Stealth is their modus operandi as they began dissolving defenses around the perimeters I had painstakingly established. Undetected, my security barricades have been made inoperable.

A swift movement breaches the safety of my interior compound. Now they are deemed hostile trespassers. By this time, my secondary defense system is triggered to sense foreign encroachment.

A blaring alarm is signaled and activated.

As urgently loud as it is deafening the call is, the infiltration has already transpired.

The mist permeates blankets of suffocation. Untouchable yet ever present, integrating itself into every fiber of my being. The sheer volume of shrouding and swathing of soldiers sends me into a state of drowning asphyxiation.

Abandoning or escaping is futile. Predation is pervasive.

Decorated with tools of insinuation, viruses are infused to permeate into my building system. Viruses that hurl unpredictable and uncontrollable waves of fears, worries, anxiety, weariness, doubt, disappointment, low self-regard, apathy, bitterness, vengeance, lethargy, indifference, dejection, rejection, repulsiveness, impulsiveness, loathe, unbeloved, abandonment, desertion, wretchedness, forsakenness, desolation, ostracized, unworthiness, detachment, discouragement, uselessness, uncertainty, and invalidation. Along with every other conceivable and probable cocktail of dark emotions that I thought I had gotten rid of. This must be of deeper ominous dark origins. My heart has many scars.

I’m once again haunted by my past. This is not a good place to be.

This is their mission – a calculated, intricate, and coordinated assault designed to chip away at the foundations of my building down to its very core.

Gradually but surely, parts of my foundations begin weakening – foundations that don’t even seemingly mean anything significant when viewed from the outside. However, built as supporting structures they play significant roles in maintaining balance, stability, and harmony throughout the whole building. With each chip away, that equilibrium begins to destabilize in distress. This instigates swaying and swinging of the whole building uncontrollably in every which direction the wind puffs and wafts.

Unbeknownst under my radar, this silent raid creates malicious, unsolicited, and unanticipated havoc on my presently peaceful interior. No matter how much fully self-aware I am, this couldn’t have been predicted nor prevented – it is as automatic as triggering a swallowing reflex. Damages done cannot be undone. As too late as it is, recognizing the symptoms is a paramount effort.

What do I do?

Most recently I’ve had the privilege and blessing of being exposed to simple, subtle, yet powerful propositions – to lean in into my darkness and create space to listen to my pain; no longer denying it. This is absolutely easier said than done. Initiating, formulating, and processing this takes me to the next level of courage onto the next phase of my trauma healing journey…and so it begins…

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from the beginning >here