GENDER DYSPHORIA, FROM VICTIM TO SURVIVOR. FROM SURVIVING TO LIVING. LIVING IN FLOW AND ALIGNMENT

Ramin Entry #29

My new world is in technicolor and now I see rainbows everywhere. My outlook on life is brighter and optimistic. My entire philosophy and perspective about life, faith, and humanity have been renewed in the most profound and compelling way.

I’m no longer surviving. I’ve transformed my life around from a victim in survival mode to being a survivor in living mode. I am now living my life true to myself, in alignment with my authentic Self, and in flow; congruent to my truth to how I feel about myself, my values, and my beliefs. I’m not living in lies and deceit to myself anymore.

Even though I am alone in this journey, it doesn’t feel lonely. My life is now filled with happiness, joy, and laughter. Never have I ever felt more peaceful, fulfilled, and accomplished. I’ve become a free, flexible, spontaneous, open, and more accepting human being. I’m keener to recognize and accept opportunities as they present themselves my way or to let go without prejudice, and to try again unconditionally. In the same way, I’ve made and nurtured more genuine human connections with so many new people, friends, and strangers of all ages, races, and social standing, than I’ve ever dared to even attempt or imagine throughout my past life. What used to be distrust and paranoia, now I’m able to see people’s goodness, generosity, and kindness.

I’m now calm and collected, able to think more clearly in an objective and non-judgmental way to make wiser decisions and choices without having to put on layers of masks and feeling forced or obligated to please people. I am an open book to anyone who is interested in my stories, without feeling ashamed and fearful of discrimination or judgement. I’m no longer ashamed of my emotional, physical, and gender expressions. I’m now living my life from the inside out, not outside in.

Accepting and embracing my femininity wholeheartedly has changed my personality and character. I’m more easygoing. I breathe differently. I see differently. I perceive differently. I feel differently. I think differently. I talk differently. I act differently. I chose words differently. I engage differently. I exude different energy, courage, and confidence. I radiate different emotions and feelings. Consequently, I’ve also found solace in expressing emotions through dancing, unobstructed and uninhibited, being comfortably accepting of how my body moves sensitively and sensually in space, without being self-conscious of how people would perceive me.

I react differently too. I’m more fully self-aware, so I find myself no longer enslaved by my automatic responses dominating from my subconscious. Triggers that used to make me react with unconscious explosions of negative emotions don’t serve the same purpose anymore. The buried pain, anguish, anger, and hatred are less and less triggered now. Granted remnants still persist for me to continue healing, but much has been cleansed that I now feel an increasing kindness, compassion, and love upon triggers.

It has taken me an arduous amount of effort and miseries, much more far-reaching than what I could possibly have fathomed I was able to handle, to reach this point of my life. Contrary to what some people had strongly expressed to me that transitioning is going against the natural flow of things, how I actually feel now is finally harmonious with who I truly am. I feel no internal resistance or fear. I feel less and less bewildered and conflicted. Certainly no shackles or chains that bind me anymore to my internal prisons and darkness.

There were far too many countless moments in my life when I’ve felt utterly useless and unworthy to continue on living, like a piece of trash trampled, disregarded, and forgotten. My life’s bitterness forced me to numerously lay down my life in my own hands. Eventually, my helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, and deep loneliness led me to surrender my life completely to God. In doing so, I prayed for God to totally destroy me, then build me back up piece by piece to mold me and shape me for God’s purpose for my life. Having felt and received God’s love saved me. My love for God led me to want to continue living; this is the only reason that I’m still breathing. God gave me a higher purpose and meaning for my new mission in life. This newfound enlightenment allows me to be able to live in the present, and even though my life is in disarray, I’m not in the least bit of worry because I know and I believe in my heart of heart that God is on my side and will take care of me.

Out of my ugliness blossoms something beautiful and noteworthy. My eyes are now open to a life that is full of beauty and splendor. This is the beginning of my new journey of adventures and possibilities. This is the beginning of my potential as I grow to pursue, follow, and grasp my life’s mission. I’m focused on being a better version of myself today than yesterday. I’m proud of who I’ve become, my true identity, my authentic self, my loving self; I am a proud trans woman