GENDER DYSPHORIA. HIGHER PURPOSE. MEANING. MY CALLING.

Ramin Entry #24

This transitioning process forces me to question and reevaluate everything that I am and my meaning of life; my existence, my reasons for being, and my purpose of life; my relationships with God, with myself, and with others around me; my truth and authenticity; my faith and beliefs; my principles, values, and morals; my sanity and my senses; my feelings and emotions; my fears and courage; my confidence and esteem; my doubts and conviction; my resilience and coping mechanisms. I feel like I’m about to be reborn again for the umpteen times. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my entire life. Every fiber of me as a human being is being put to the test and scrutinized. This decision will have a profound effect on everything and everyone in my life.

As if my life hasn’t been exhausting and complicated enough from all that I’ve experienced; this new chapter opens up a whole new door to the unknown where more extreme exhaustion and complications are to be expected and anticipated. Furthermore, this gender issue magnetizes opposition, confrontations, and discrimination from every plausible direction from every layer of my life, both internally and externally, spoken or unspoken; from people that I love and care about, friends and acquaintances, and even strangers who have nothing to do with my life.

My Gender Dysphoria and this transitioning process have never been about a fetish or sexual deviancy or even culturally influenced. This process is a culmination of every bit of 42 years’ painful emotional sufferings I’ve endured, dating back starting with my earliest memory as a 3-year-old innocent boy; of searching for myself, for my identity, for my truth, and for my authenticity. For the first time in my life, I feel alive and free. I now feel more of a human being than I’ve ever felt before; as if a huge bolder of burdens lifted. I am much happier, more relaxed and flexible, more empathetic, more expressive, more giving, much less inhibited and controlled, more spontaneous, more compassionate, and more loving. I have more acceptance and much less fear, I feel more at peace with myself, and I don’t have the need for continual approval and validation seeking from others anymore. My nervous systems are no longer constantly wired to be in “fight or flight or freeze” mode. My facial expressions already automatically reflect these and I’m now finally able to genuinely smile without faking.

A big part of my trauma-healing journey is to recognize, process, and take ownership of my feelings and emotions. From just implementing that, the circuitry of my brain has been changed in a significant way, opening neural pathways to expedite healing by allowing even greater self-awareness and not projecting blame onto others. Ownership also means, for me, having the freedom to choose what to do with my processed feelings and emotions. As such, having broken free from self-imprisonment of hiding in shame and denial, I chose to do the exact opposite. I chose to publicize my trauma-healing journey; with hopes, by being an open book, that my experiences would resonate and inspire others to begin their own healing journeys as well. By the same token, to spread awareness by shining light on these otherwise tabooed mental health topics such as depression, suicide, self-harm, self-lies, self-deceits, self-loathe, self-denial, anger, hatred, etc.; and that it’s perfectly alright as human beings to have these feelings because they are real and they exist. These could happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or social standing. Contrary to societal norms, being vulnerable is actually very empowering; and vulnerability doesn’t equate to shame and guilt. Human emotions are our God-given gifts and they are meant to be processed, not buried away. Suppression and repression of emotions would only result in them resurfacing in less pleasant ways or possibly in uncontrollable explosions, or even physical, physiological, psychological, and biological illness later on in life.

Most often, transitioning is seen in a negative light for whatever reasons. My team of psychiatrists encouraged me, should I decide to go through with transitioning, to influence a change of perception and instead create positivity. This overwhelmingly earmarked my reality and I began questioning and reevaluating my motive and purpose all over again. My answer came yesterday morning in the form of a calling while driving in bad traffic to consult with one of my psychiatrists. This is a very tall order that slammed me into tears; I was humbled and freaking out at the same time just attempting to take it all in.

1. As an HSP I’ve always questioned and searched for the meaning and purpose of life; and where I belong in it; that I can’t be just a random creation. Thus, I want my life to be meaningful with a higher purpose. Whatever it is that I pursue should adhere to and be in alignment with this mission.
2. I will continue this journey of sharing my experiences throughout the whole transitioning process and thereafter, whatever happens, through writing.
3. Whether or not I decide to transition, I want to be a voice for discriminated communities who aren’t as privileged with access or know-how about trauma healing,.
4. Whether partly transitioned or fully transitioned as the opposite gender who has gone through similar life struggles, I would be more readily accepted into more diverse communities; where I wouldn’t normally be accepted otherwise as my first gender.
5. I want to deepen my knowledge of psychology, particularly in trauma-healing and mental health.
6. I want to be able to share my experiences by writing books and children’s books to spread awareness about trauma-healing and mental health.
7. I want to spread awareness of this message on whatever platforms that would welcome me.

Should at the end of this process I am still not able to solidify for myself this calling, meaning, and purpose…would there be any meaning to transition at all?

Whether or not in the end I decide to transition into a female – a transgender woman – a transwoman, it will solely be from my conscious decision based on everything that has happened in my life up to that deciding point; it will most certainly not be decided by anyone else. I am my own person and this decision is mine alone to make.

I want this process to flow like water, peacefully and willingly, without threats of anger, hatred, and drama that would only create conflicts and resentfulness amongst everyone around me; because I’ve had more than enough negativity and darkness as it is in my life. I now strive to create safe havens in which to live my life with compassion, peace, and love. When I feel emotionally safe, that’s when the embodiment and fulfillment of the best potentials of my gifts happen.

The sheer magnitude of immensely immeasurable pressure that I’m facing is mountainously daunting. It is only by the grace of God who gives me strength that I am able to reach this mental and emotional state where I remain calm, composed, and collected, so I may be able to enjoy this process of re-transformation and still be thankful and grateful of whatever outcome will be.

Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, it’s impossible to ever know or fathom what I’ve experienced. Would you also want to be discriminated against and judged for your own experiences?…I would hope not. So please be kind and show compassion for others too who are going through similar experiences like mine.

Wholeheartedly, I thank everyone who has been there to support me and love me through whatever has happened and whatever else is going to happen. No words can describe how appreciative I am of you.

Self-awareness is a very powerful grounding tool and skill. Vulnerability and self-expression are our God-given privileges; they are not weaknesses as society dictates; take ownership of your Self, your emotions, and your feelings. Live a life of inner peace, joy, and happiness as we develop deeper humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God blessopposition