Written by Ramin S. Satyahadi on August 10, 2022

GENDER DYSPHORIA IMPOSSIBLE CHOICES. EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

Ramin Entry #26

One of my psychiatrists who specializes in psychotherapy, the realist who employs logical thinking, presented me with these provoking, but brutally honest statements:

“How much longer do you want to be unhappy?”

“How much longer do you want to be depressed?”

“How much longer does your wife want to be unhappy?”

“How much longer do you want your wife to keep hoping for a baby?”

“How much longer do you want your marriage to suffer?”

“How much longer do you want your families to suffer?”

“If you remain like this, you will keep dying on the inside and you will go deeper into depression; and your Bipolar Disorder will most likely resurface again because it cannot be cured, it can only be managed; and in your case, you are managing well without the needs for medicines.”

“Whether you choose to transition or not, each choice has its own consequences and sacrifices, but you still have to make that choice soon.”

Those statements sent shivers and shockwaves down my spine to my core, paralyzing me and driving me deep into depression. “Is this what my 45 years of life boils down to?”, I gruelingly pondered, contemplated, and battled with myself.

My reality shattered and I was forced, once again, to break the mold from which I have been formed, to jumpstart my courage and intensify my deep dive digging into the subconscious, to figure out what this is all about; because this is a matter of life and death…again. Death seems to be the common denominator theme and string that has been stitching my life together.

I have since been at a junction of impossibilities with only 2 choices:

1.

I choose me and fully transform into my secondary gender.

If I choose this…I live, but others around me crumble.

I break free from my prison bondage.

I am reconnected to my Self and authenticity.

I feel light and can finally breathe freely…willingly.

I regain my compassion for myself.

I regain my trust and faith in myself.

I reclaim the freedom to discover my true Self.

I reclaim the freedom to start a relationship with my true Self.

I reclaim my happiness.

I reclaim my freedom to feel.

I reclaim my freedom to self-express.

I reclaim my freedom of gender expression. (https://www.headtohealth.gov.au/…/sup…/gender-expression).

I reclaim my freedom to blossom.

I reclaim my freedom to fulfill my calling.

I reclaim my freedom to reach for my potential.

My marriage dissolves, by choice and by default of the law.

All my families feel shamed and burdened.

The loss of many friendships is an inevitability.

The loss of business relationships is an inevitability.

I am misunderstood.

I become the talk of the town.

I become an outcast.

I am reduced from being a human being to just an object of judgements, ridicule, and laughing stock.

2.

I choose others and remain as my primary gender.

If I choose this…others around me live, but I crumble.

Everything returns to “normal”.

All my families remain happy and unburdened.

My marriage remains intact.

My friends remain.

My business relationships remain.

I remain suffocated, trapped, and imprisoned in this “shell”.

I remain limited to the roles, obligations, and duties of this gender.

I return to self-denial.

I return to hiding.

I return to conforming.

I return to burying, suppressing, and repressing.

I return to a slow inner death.

I return to depression.

I surrender my truth and authenticity.

I surrender my own happiness.

I surrender my emotional safety.

I surrender my sanity.

I surrender my self-expression.

I surrender my gender expression.

I surrender blossoming.

I surrender my potentials.

I ignore my calling.

My Bipolar Disorder might resurface.

To this very moment, every fiber of my being is violently moving in the direction of choice number 1. Furthermore, I have surrendered my life and maintained a very close personal relationship with God, and I have always prayed for God to search and reveal the truth about myself, to break me, and to restore me to His purpose for my life. But why am I still stuck at the junction and not able to make firm of my choice; as if there’s this little brick wedged in my heart that I cannot seem to reach and dislodge?

Am I still having doubts?

Am I still lacking courage?

Is this the feeling of fear of the unknown that rattles me down; of the tremendous up flow steams of battles and struggles that await me?

Is this an anxious feeling of being judged for being “different”?

Is this the feeling of worry about being lonely and an outcast?

Is this a guilty feeling of having to “destroy” everyone and everything around me?; because even at its present state, tensions and conflicts have already arisen, and are only building up and escalating.

Or is this God’s way of preparing me to ensure that I have covered all the bases and holes, and assembled all the pieces of the puzzle?

Is this God’s way of ensuring my own conviction; and that I remain deeply anchored in my choice to withstand turbulences and not be tossed around by passing waves?

Is this God’s way of ensuring that I will have no regrets of my decision?

Is this God’s way of ensuring that I fully trust Him to walk this path of the unknown?

So many questions, “what if’s”, and dilemmas of the unknown that I have to figure out and confront and solve. This emotional roller coaster is agonizingly unbearable.

If you have read all my journals from the beginning, you would have understood about emotional safety and well-being. How when someone is deprived or denied access, recognition, validation, and understanding of their own emotional state, they are disconnected from their real authentic Self; they float around in their emotional ambiguity, aimlessly, lost, and even forgotten. When this happens, they become fakes and their purpose in life would only be to blend in and please others. This purpose is cruelty and travesty to their own souls’ potential and may create irreparable internal turmoil, devastation, and havoc from self-denials, self-deceits, and self-hatred. They essentially become a robot of circumstances, in autopilot mode, and very sadly so, because they have no idea that it is even happening in them or to them; not until they choose to become more self-aware and embark on their own emotional journey. Emotions are not meant to be buried, suppressed, and repressed; they are meant to be recognized, validated, processed, understood, and healed.

If you have not read my journals in their entirety, I cordially invite you to. They are an honest portrayal of my self-discovery journey into my messy and dark inner world, where you will get a glimpse and snapshots of what emotional suffering and inauthenticity may feel like. Contrast that to the discovery of my self-awareness and authenticity by having the courage to find truth and by being genuinely truthful to myself.

I have found this particular writing and journaling process to be very therapeutic and life-saving, fitting for my trauma healing needs. I intend to continue recording my emotional experiences and sharing them.

Please be kind and merciful, be considerate, and have lots of empathy for others you know who are going through similar experiences as me. Please accept them for who they really are, listen to them, and help them navigate their difficult paths, without judgement and prejudice.

Self-awareness is a very powerful grounding tool and skill. Vulnerability and self-expression are our God-given privileges; they are not weaknesses as society dictates; take ownership of your Self, your emotions, your feelings, and your truth. Live a life of truth, inner peace, joy, and happiness as we develop deeper humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless