GENDER DYSPHORIA. LETTER TO MY LOVE.

Ramin Entry #25

My very dearest wife, my love,
These are my true feelings and emotions that I never knew I had until now. I told you that I woke up from my Covid-ridden bed this morning feeling an inexpressible heavy cloud of sadness and depression hovering; today on my mom’s birthday, no less. Throughout the day, I have been easily moved to tears as you guided me remotely to safety. Suddenly that cloud exploded with all these thoughts that came gushing up from my subconscious as I was trying to rest my usual heavy-laden mind, that I had to get them down to paper. These feelings and emotions are raw and unrefined; they have always been there, buried so unreachably deep inside, underneath all my rubbish, my tornado, and my hell; that I have never realized they existed, nor have I recognized them, nor did I have the courage to express them often enough to you; because you deserve to hear them endlessly. I have not been a good husband and life partner, I am not ashamed to admit that now; I had been too egocentric, self-righteous, self-centered, narcissistic, and too mentally ill to admit to myself of them. I pulled you into my world selfishly and I ruined you in the process. Mental illness is so cruel.

I have become a changed and a better human being as a result of you. I have now reached this point of my life because you have continuously encouraged me to heal and be a better version of myself. I feel so loved, blessed, grateful, humbled, honored, and so deeply appreciative of you that you have been a part of my life, through thick and thin, through health and sickness, through sadness and happiness, through darkness, through hell and back. You have been the best thing that ever happened in my life, as I have told you before; please do not forget this – and now I want the world to know of how special you are. I thank God for you every day and I pray, pleading, for God’s grace and mercy, that He would take care of you.

I demanded so much of you, that you, in turn, have lost yourself into the ruins of my twisted world. I wish I can say that it would be better if we had not gotten married so I could spare you all the heartache and sufferings that you have endured being with someone like me. Knowing of my impending Bipolar Disorder from the symptoms and my effeminate tendencies, you ignored your instincts to run away, and instead, you took me in as your husband and took care of me relentlessly; true evidence of your noble virtues. Through 16 years that we have known each other, you have been on my care non-stop to the detriment of your health and emotional needs, even when my own family abandoned me. You never lost hope for me even though hope has been the last value in my mind. You have pushed me, harder that anyone has ever been in my life, to be a better version of myself and to heal. You have been a peacekeeper between my family, so much so that you have been constantly misunderstood and taken blame in the crossfire. Yet you never stop doing what you do and being you; you keep pushing and trying and hoping that I would find the light at the end of my very dark tunnels. You helped me live even when I did not have a shred of hope to continue living. You saw through all my suicide attempts and held your head high. You have opened my eyes to the possibilities of life and living. You have repeatedly found ways to install hope back into me. You have never stopped trying, even now. You have been a rock and an anchor for me, planting yourself so deep so I would not sway too much, that you disregarded your chance and time to attend to yourself, to discover your own needs and healings. This is the best quality of you, selflessly and lovingly and generously care and provide for your love ones; others in need matter more than yourself. You have a pure heart, purer than gold.

You have sacrificed yourself, drowning in my world, again and again, to make sure I was taken care of when I didn’t even desire or realize the needs. You have always been a few steps ahead of me. You have stayed by my side at the worst of my days, and you have kept staying during and throughout each and every one of my numerous treatments, and have kept staying, mustering even more courage when I foolishly fell into my deepest sorrowful and hollow darkness of the other worldly, where you pulled me up with all your might and strength to rescue me into the light again, preventing my demise from being admitted to the mental hospital.

You have done all these sacrifices in a quiet undertone, plowing through any obstacles and not caring what others may have said about you; your focus has always been about what’s best for me; even as I ran our business to the ground with my rigidness and inflexibility and perfectionism; even as you have so patiently waited for me to be ready to have children of our own; even when I have constantly caused repeated conflicts with your family. I have made scores of major irreparable damage and mess in our lives.

You have a very gentle and sensitive soul that I feel you have not recognized for yourself. I am sorry that you have been raised in a very tough family situation and societal context, bullied by practically all your family members, who have yet to notice even until now, of the true nature of your soul; and this hurts me more than you can imagine. I have noticed this quality ever since the beginning when we first met, when our true souls met and magnetized each other. Our true souls’ recognition of each other’s true nature has kept us together; is this what they call “soulmates”? We seem to have been lost or have been blinded by circumstances out of our control, which have been piling dirt to slowly pry apart that magnet, adding in our own traumas in the mix, to gradually and leisurely start hating and resenting each other. Life is so unfair. I pray and wish that you will take the time and space to be able to go through your own healing journey to find your true self and authentic self as well, because I have seen her and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and felt. I hope you can be more compassionate and loving with yourself, as you have been for me and others. I hope too you will be able to discover your meaning of life, your calling, and purpose in life.

This has been my biggest dilemma of all. As I have told you, you have been my only concern; had you not been in the picture, making this decision to fully transition would be a breeze. How do I make such a decision knowing the detrimental effect it will have on you; of crumbling your world and crushing your spirit and ending your dreams? I cannot even fathom how you must have been feeling and I am sorry I have not been empathetic enough to try to understand it, yet I cannot stop this process that has been blossoming within me where I feel I no longer am able to fulfil my role and duties as a good husband that you so deserved; yet on the other hand, I seem to be pulled back to keep asking if what I am experiencing now a reality or just a phase? Our life paths seem to be diverging into two different directions. This is not to say that I am firm in my decision, nor that I have made up my mind. It so excruciatingly hurts so much to even think about it now, like knives slicing through my heart. Ooh God please help me! What do I do? I never wish for any of this to happen. My peace and authenticity comes with such a heavy sacrifice and price to pay…I feel…I feel…what am I feeling?…I can’t even describe how I’m feeling now…there are no words that can come close to describing these emotions.

You have been my love, my best friend, my rock, my anchor, my hero, my savior, my true North, my sunshine, my rainbow. You deserve much better. You deserve to be loved. You deserved to be cared for. You deserve to be supported. You deserved to be listened to.

I am sorry I betrayed your love and trust. I am sorry I could not and have not been truly honest with you. I am sorry I have not been in the right mind to support you and love you enough. I am sorry I have not been the husband that you had hoped and dreamt for. I am sorry I have not been that safety net that you so deserved. I am sorry I have not provided for you enough. I am sorry I am destroying your world and turning it upside down.

I hope it is not too late for me to express how I feel about you. Knowing how you value your privacy, this already is too much details; I am sorry for making this public. I am drowned in tears as I write this because it pains me so much that I am processing this transitioning journey at the expense of your love, your emotional safety, your dreams, your hopes, and your reality.

Please forgive me.

All my love forever,
Ramin