GENDER DYSPHORIA. WRITING. SELF-PRESERVATION. TRANSITIONING

Ramin Entry #21

I was posed with this question: “How are you able to write with depth and clarity and immerse yourself in deep raw emotions?”

My sensitivity as an HSP and my femininity empower my emotions, feelings, and thoughts. When I am deeply in touch with this part of me, I am filled with an unexplainable and unfathomable elixir of raw emotions that churn into a ball of intense, unfiltered, and uninhibited heartfulness and mindfulness. Pain and hurt allow me to be vulnerable and in doing so ignites courage to dig further and deeper into truth. These facilitate deep access to open doors into the darkness of my subconscious.

Being that my mind works in 3-Dimension, in that dark abyss I immerse myself to begin opening each door to visualize haphazard raw emotions floating chaotically in space. When I recognize something that I feel, I would need to quickly capture and catch each one before they get pulled back and disappear into nothingness where they would not be easily found again. Sometimes the doors are dead-ends, sometimes they are locked, sometimes they are jammed, and sometimes they are doors that I can’t yet comprehend. The ones that I’ve captured and caught, I am then able to process and understand by assembling them in space like a giant jigsaw puzzle, adding more complicated pieces as I catch and process additional information.

As soon as the puzzle resembles some kind of an emotional picture, I proceed to process that picture into words using logic and knowledge that I’ve learnt and accumulated…but not just any words. Articulation of emotions comes from the heart where real-time physiological changes happen and I want this congruency to be felt and sensed by my readers, so it almost becomes my inherent drive and responsibility in how I creatively design an experience, with flair and style, to engage my readers into my world. As a designer, I tend to choose each word very carefully; none is used where none is not needed; each has to convey the right purpose and message. How the words flow to create and evoke emotions become an integral part of the writing process. This process is dynamic and not linear, thus the need for time…from days to weeks to months, as I find myself constantly juggling and replacing pieces of the puzzle until the picture resonates with my feelings. Sometimes I would even ditch the whole thing and restart the process all over again. This process usually drains me both emotionally and energetically, exhausting me to a pulp. To my surprise, I’ve discovered that I began healing through this process, so I became obsessed and expanded to include deep research and learnings into trauma-healing and psychology.

Deep research and continued writing took me on a frightening journey of a world of the unknown, of the beast inside of me. Forced to confront my darkness, everything became real and I began changing from the inside out by the irony of discovering my authentic Self from the outside in, by forgiving and letting go as if peeling layers of a giant onion. This writing method of capturing, recognizing, processing, internalizing, forgiving, then letting go has proven to accelerate this 2-way healing.

Through it all, I’ve realized that nothing is ever normal for me and I frown upon conformity to societal norms. Each human being is unique, so why the need for self-imprisonment in a tiny little box of normalcy where uniqueness is stigmatized, tabooed, and judged…out of fear, stereotyping, preconceptions, and generalizations? I have become a victim of this conformity; living for others and to their expectations out of shame has become part of everyday life; my uniqueness repressed and suppressed. Without realizing, a lifetime of murdering myself ever so slightly that I’ve become a walking zombie, dead to my authentic Self; a ticking time bomb of anger and hatred that turned me into a narcissistic and dangerous human being, toxic to everyone around me. I’ve turned my uniqueness into my own worst enemy of denial and loathe. Ever so wanting to change everything that I am, I’ve turned my inner world upside down and became a super perfectionist in an effort to gain validation and acceptance, because I wasn’t able to validate and accept myself. Clouded with self-hatred, I projected negativity into the world by forcing my way whenever I felt unsafe. These internal conflicts of dual polarity then manifested into Bipolar Disorder.

Fortunately, self-expression has become an important integral tool in my self-preservation. Self has never left me; constantly protecting and keeping my uniqueness alive. My feelings, emotions, thoughts, behaviors, perspectives, articulations, actions, have always been different. I am easily moved by God’s creation of nature and beauty, warmth and coldness, love and affections, expressions and sensuality, sensations and ambiances, truth and kindliness. I am fascinated with the unusual, the unique, the bizarre, the extreme, and the underdog. I notice nuances, ambiguities, inconsistencies, cracks, imperfections, fadedness, chipped edges, skewed lines, holes, rusts, scratches, tears, brokenness, heartaches, misfortune, injustice, unfairness, conflicts, etc…that “normal” people often miss/fail/refuse to notice and/or are disgusted by. I am all of these on the inside, imperfect, flawed, thus I don’t resonate with normalcy.

It has been 45 years of an arduous journey, to say the least, swimming against very strong and frightening currents. I have lived foremost out of fear in everything that I do and I am now choosing to let go of that fear. I am thankful and find solace in God who gives me the strength and bravery to go through this process, for each stepping stone I progress increases my faith, belief, and conviction. It is not possible for me to fight on and journey on without God on my side. So, onward and toward a new me, for looking back is not an option because there’s too much pain there.

I am embarking on a quest of the most terrifying journey I’ve ever been on in my life. Everything I’ve lived for amasses to this very tipping point. I am currently in the process of being evaluated by 3 doctors if transitioning to a female is a viable option and the right solution for my Gender Dysphoria. I am not doing this to hurt anyone. I am choosing my sanity and my happiness to simply be ME and my Self. This will be a long process to establish and ensure an affirmation of belief in nonconformity; that I’ll stay comfortable with who I am and what I am, no matter whoever says anything about me; that I’ll not be easily influenced by anyone’s point of view or judgements. As it is, by taking ownership and getting in touch with my feminine side, I finally feel free, more empathetic, and much happier as if a heavy burden has been lifted.

Now I can see more clearly the path that God has paved for my life. This dysphoria has been a blessing for it keeps me true to myself. My design education keeps my mind and heart open to possibilities. Whatever has happened has been to prepare me for this moment; to find my Self; to reach my potential; to blossom; to spread awareness, peace, love, and help others who are misfortune and helpless. I have accepted myself wholeheartedly and I am at peace with myself. If anyone were to judge me, it is none of my concerns; it is their sins that stay between them and God

Self-awareness is a very powerful grounding tool and skill. Vulnerability and self-expression are our God-given privileges; they are not weaknesses as society dictates; take ownership of your Self, your emotions, and your feelings. Live a life of inner peace, joy, and happiness as we develop deeper humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless