IDENTITY CRISIS

Ramin Entry #19

It has been 1 year since I journaled anything. Depression hovered over my life again, although this time in a positive way. I was forced to drop everything, “disappear” from the world, take a long hot bubble bath in a giant tub of enlightenment of my newfound self and focus on a rollercoaster journey to my deep inner healing; of forgiveness; of letting go; of allowance; of self-acceptance; of self-compassion.

This journey took me deeper into the Self that I have been repressing and suppressing, ashamed of, afraid of, throughout my life. Bigger than bipolar, bigger than deep-seated anger, bigger than hatred, bigger than everything that I have written about. This is where everything stemmed from; this is the source of my bipolarity that snowballed into who I am today. This is the source of everything and whatever awaits at the end of the tunnel might turn my life completely upside down.

How do you come to terms with yourself when every single second of your life is tormented by your own invalidity of your own identity? When you don’t know who you are; or what you are for that matter?

A complete stranger on the other side of the mirror, trapped and imprisoned in the deep unfathomable darkness that is the abyss of torture and torment. Unrecognizable. Unreachable. Confused. Scared. Delicate. Fragile. Alone. Lonely. Exasperated. Suffocated. Unwhole. Broken.

Self-preservation and denials from repression and suppression grew into coping mechanisms in the name of conformity of societal gender identity norm in an expanding effort to cover up shame and guilt, unbeknownst of the detrimental effects and consequences of inner death.

Life built based on half-truth and unrealized awareness to said conformity standards when the world inside imploded in ruins, crippled and crumbling bit by bit, inevitable and invisible…longing, crying, shouting, screaming for a mere glimpse of the surface for a hopeful gasp of air, only to realize if it’s too late to investigate, discover, explore, and embrace the real person imprisoned in the mirror. By what or whose standards do I figure out which part of me should live or die? My life, a series of unending tribulations and agony that infuse thoughts and attempts of death to become me.

Alas at the age of supposed maturity and stability in life and family, I am confronted by the person in the mirror and I am just beginning to be able to call on bravery and self-acceptance. The irony of life.

Attempting to freely self-express is almost always met with disgust, rolling eyes, horrid expressions and reactions, uninvited stares, uncomfortable body languages, intentional derogatory verbal expressions…all in the name of preconception, generalizing, stereotyping, and judgments of so-called “societal norms”.

I am still who I am; I am still me; I am still a human being.

Where do I go from here?…searching…longing to be understood…to be accepted…to be loved for whoever I am.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. You may jump directly from the beginning by click here if you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless