LIES, SELF-DECEPTION, TRUTH, AUTHENTICITY

Ramin Entry #17

Since my last entry a month ago, somehow it has been a real struggle for me to write. Previously, my extreme pain of deep hurt and deep anger triggered deep emotions that allowed me to reconnect to Self. That reconnection opened the path to true feelings, which I could process and harness into fiery articulated words. Just like how you would lay all the pieces of a giant jigsaw puzzle before assembling them into a picture; in the same notion, words are like puzzle pieces that I lay out to let my eyes and my other senses, together with the rational parts of my brain, to take over the observation and analysis of the emotions and feelings being brought forth, to dig and expose the real nature of said emotions and feelings into comprehensible and logical picture.

This time however, those emotions and feelings have seemed to dissipate, so I neither have been able to access nor find my voice, much less an authentic one. I have been feeling disconnected, apprehensive, anxious, uneasy, restless, and on edge, even to the point of helplessness.

Nothing I have journaled and laid out seemed to make sense. Nothing have seemed congruent to what I have been feeling; if at all I knew what it was for that matter. There has been a general fogginess to my thoughts and emotions from the transformation and the copious learnings I have been devouring ferociously for the past 2 months. The soup of knowledge and ideas have seemed to jumble up in my head into a tight complex knot. The complexity of accepting, integrating, internalizing, and owning them have seem to be a mountain-moving task for my systems. I can sense the general direction of where I need to go, but the path feels like a giant maze. On top of that, I have felt somewhat trapped in the middle of two opposing forces that have been trying to play a game of tug-of-war between the old me and the new me.

There is a definite shift in my inner world towards healing, a progress nonetheless, however I am not able to define or visualize or feel what it is…yet. It is still an abstract picture now and just a fleeting overall feeling of wellness.

I think the pain had kept me focused and in perspective. Now that I have been feeling better, without the pain it feels like my authenticity is being questioned and I’m easily magnetized back to my oblivious self who tells me that “life goes on”. Life Does go on but it feels like the urgency is saying goodbye to me and I’m back to being my complacent self. I feel lost in myself now. What a sad reality that I have been conditioned into surviving on unimaginable pain as a normal way of living. Survival mode is supposed to save your life, it is not meant to be how you live.

What is really happening here?

I have spent many hours praying, meditating, pondering, searching my heart, researching, and studying to find some kind of answers.

I figured out part of the answers while spending time connecting with nature in the garden where I find solace. The hint is in observing a plant’s growth development in the analogy of planting a seed. A seed needs the right conditions to germinate. However, even if everything is perfect, the innate quality and maturity level of the seed do matter; a poorly-formed seed will stagnate, die, and rot; but a good resilient seed will relish in that perfect conditions to put out roots to begin its living journey. This process takes time from as little as one day to weeks to months or years, depending on the DNA of the seed. Even then, the young seedling still needs a high learning curve of resiliency if it wants to grow into a large plant/tree.

Over two months ago, I was that seed. With my discovery of being a Highly Sensitive Person, I was planted and thus began my transformation process. I proceeded to make the conditions of my soil right by expediting the process of trauma healing by means of researching and learning. As good as I set the conditions up to be, I can’t deny and overlook past the fact that my seed have been badly damaged and therefore poorly-formed, so it would take time for my roots to develop and grow to absorb the nutrients from my new soil and utilize them. Both my sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system, my brain, my soul, my consciousness, my sub-consciousness, my whole core belief systems, all need to be in-sync in order communicate with one another.

I guess my struggles take me to these questions:

Am I living my true self or am I living a lie?

Am I still asleep and in autopilot mode or have I woken up?

I have realized that I have been kept alive in survival mode by living in a lie and self-deceptions:

– Any words, actions, and behaviors in an intend to satisfy the role of being a pleaser in order to be perceived as a “good person”.

– Repressing, suppressing, and/or denying my true feelings to protect the feelings of others in order to get on their good sides.

– Being a fake in order to avoid conflicts.

– Hiding my vulnerability in order to be liked.

– Seeking attention and validation to compensate for my inner inadequacies.

– Obnoxious behaviors as projections of my insecurities.

– Autopilot personality as a manifestation of my unresolved traumas.

– Allowing abuses to penetrate and harm my core.

Those conditionings, coping mechanisms, and tiptoeing on eggshells around myself no longer serve me. I have cracked and fallen numerous times in a spiral depth of loneliness and depression. Living for the approval of others have proven to be a dangerous quest to my mental wellness and is no longer palatable. It is my mission from here on that my every word, every action, and every behavior reflect my truths and authenticity. With plants, I am able to replace and uproot the old to plant a new seed in its place to start afresh. This is not possible for me; so, my new seed would have to be planted alongside the old plant with hopes that the new plant will develop strong massive root system to outgrow the old. When the old plant is deprived of its survival mode, it will die because it will be unfit to govern my life anymore.

I want to live a life in alignment with myself and being truthful to myself; where I don’t have to do whatever I need to fit in and therefore surrender my authenticity; where I don’t have to feel unsafe by identifying myself with other people’s thoughts and making them my own; where I don’t have to deny and reject myself in order to live; where I don’t have to keep explaining why I think or feel the way I do; where my actions are harmonious with my beliefs; where I can be myself, unashamed, feel belonged to myself, and feel comfortable in my own skin; where my vulnerability is an empowerment; where I am aligned with my core Self to not be governed by the manifestations of my traumas; where I am resilient and emotionally self-regulated; a live where I am accepted for who I am and for my authenticity.

This is a very tall order, I admit, and probably impossible to be on point at all times. It is my mission in my new life to put my best foot forward, step by step, day by day, in my pursuit of self-awareness. It takes a lot of courage and energy to look deep into myself to admit the lies, self-deception, inauthenticity, and shame…but it takes even more courage and energy to transform those into truths and authenticity. It tests the resilience of my existence.

What I’m doing is to separate and compartmentalize the trauma parts of me from the Self, so I can see my truths and authenticity more objectively and not smeared by self-deceptions and lies whose job is to protect those traumas from coming to light.

I’m now rewarding myself with self-compassion. Going a little easy on myself on the trauma digging and spending more time healing in the garden, channeling my energy to my awaiting organic vegetables and fruits.

Mental and emotional healing process is never a linear phase. The ups and downs, back and forth can be very confusing and draining. Changing yourself completely is never easy, it is an arduous process and journey. It is important to believe in your own truth, deepen your relationship with yourself to your truth, and never be afraid of your own truth and path.

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. You may jump directly from the beginning by searching “Ramin Entry #1” if you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety. The freshest post will always be at the very top.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless