LOST LOVE

Ramin Entry #54

8 – 17 March 2024

I once felt safe with you, in who you are
You saw me without judgement
You accepted me for who I was, broken, imperfect
We became one and we grew together
We built a home
We built a business
We loved each other deeply

Now I have found who I am
Now I am whole
Now I no longer lie to myself
Now I live honesty in truth of who I am
Vile as I am to you, my love for you remains true
Joined souls now forever torn apart
Forced to find my way out of love

Now a castaway
Alone and wretched
Neither acceptance nor love holds my heart
This very heart shatters into a million pieces
Still feeling the pain
Oh such indescribably excruciating pain
Am picking up the pieces one at a time
Gluing them back proves to be daunting
At times picking up mismatched pieces
Ungluing becomes a further disheartening nightmare
Only to be re-smashed again in more attempts for righting
Still there are cracks and ridges
For could never be as it was before

The memories will fade away
Leaving only felt senses to haunt me to death
Making peace with my darkness
Not assigning blame or judgement
Understanding those darkness
In embodiment and integration
A whole human being I become

Lost love or still there to remain?
Love alone is never enough
Has it been, this new me it would cherish
Was it real love?…a question I will bring to my grave
God on my side, new love He will gift
Until such time, self-love I now embrace

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here