LOST LOVE – LETTER TO MY WIFE

Ramin Entry #55

I was oblivious to myself
I was a robot I was broken
I was a wreck
I was lost
You found me
You rescued me
You nested me
You protected me
You let me breathe
You gave me hope
You pulled me from despair
You pulled me from torture
You pulled me from death
You took care of me
You kept me safe
You nursed me back to life
You restored my life
You gave me life
You grounded me
You gave me freedom

You showed me humanizing humans
You showed me the world
You showed me laughter
You showed me generosity
You showed me courage
You showed me tenacity
You showed me dignity
You showed me respect
You showed me determination
You showed me kindness
You showed me compassion
You showed me forgiveness
You showed me purpose
You showed me love

Every word is tainted with my tears
Tears of joy
Tears of sadness
Tears of excruciating pain
Tears of extreme agony
Tears of torment
Tears of hopelessness
Tears of disappointment
Tears of anger
Tears of denial
Tears of gratefulness
Tears of hope
Tears of forgiveness
Tears of letting go
Tears of love

I had found my true self
I could no longer lie to myself
I could no longer deceit myself
I could no longer deny myself
I could no longer reject myself
I could no longer neglect myself
I could no longer abandon myself
I could no longer suppress myself
I could no longer repress myself
I could no longer live with heavy masks
I could no longer escape from my truth
I could no longer hide from reality
I could no longer harm myself
I could no longer live in death

I don’t know how to apologize enough

You have made a choice
You have made a decision
Our paths broken apart
Our lives on different purposes
It is not an easy decision
I do not blame you, never have
Only happiness I want for you
Only peace I want you to feel
Only honesty I want you to embody
Only love I want you to embrace
So you may not be burdened
So you may find your freedom
So you may be free to be yourself
So you may achieve your dreams
So you may self-actualize

Thank you for the life that we had
Thank you for all that you did for me
Thank you for all the memories
Thank you for being who you are
Thank you for being there for me
Thank you for recuing me
Thank you for all your sacrifices
Thank you for all your prayers
Thank you for being in my life
Thank you for allowing me to be in your life
Thank you for loving me

Your love sustained me
Your love nourished me
Your love brought joy in me
Your love gave me hope
Your love made me feel alive
Your love enabled me to love me
You sacrificed yourself to love me
Your love is beautiful
You are so beautiful, beyond words

I will treasure our memories
I will treasure your little kisses
I will treasure your quirkiness
I will treasure your little cute gestures
I will treasure your shy demeanor
I will treasure you for the person that you are
To detail who you are and all you’ve done,
would take paper to circle the globe around

Even though we are no longer joined
I still love you
I have always loved you
I will always love you,
as I had repeatedly expressed
This will never change

I can’t be there for her anymore
God please remain in her
God please always be with her
God please protect her
God please love her

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here