NOTHINGNESS

Ramin Entry #43

13 June – 13 August 2023

In the valley my wait endures
Day after day after day after day
A lonely soul who knows no hope
Trapped upon soaring giants of walls
Towering to reach the heavenly
To belittle this puny being
In which my predicaments know no origin

I look around only to be confronted
By conformity and normality in disguise
Hurling down the towers
In blinding speed besieging me
In the darkness they elude my sight
Dodging them deems insurmountable

Their proximity blares trigger warnings
Of impending forthcoming danger
Illusory disguise revealed
Appearing as silhouettes of beasts
I reckon them to be those of fears
To disdain my very existence
Unwelcomed lifelong companions
Conjuring deep-rooted pervasiveness
Leeching me dry of living hope

Chronic fears to birth irrational anxieties
Indiscriminatingly illogical and equivocal
Intoxicating the very life I ensue
Entrenching unending defensive mechanisms
In safeguarding postures as means of survival
Inducing physical symptoms’ unnatural rhythms
To the shutting down of life-giving senses
Incapacitating mental clarity and reasoning
Decapitating mental and emotional wellness

Crippled and handicapped
Enslaving life’s vital experiences
To a mere perception to that of a pinhole camera
Distorting and abhorring realities
Disassociating the very essence of me
In the rush and pursuance of targets
Accolades and performance galore
To become fake facades of self-deceptions
Robbing Self’s true worth and identity
Reduced to a basic programming of normalcies
Leaving me arid of self-worth and true happiness

What be of me?
Wings clipped and folded shut from crippling fear
Feathers drenched from goo of despairs
Muscles torn apart from belittlements
Bones shattered from burdens of shackles
Soul fractured and split apart from disassociation

Fragmentation has become me
Does hope still exist through a million pieces?
Efforts of reassembly unthinkably possible
A task so great beseeching mountain-moving abilities
The very ability the Creator is known for
The very reason in which hope is gradually restored
Wholeness now seems intrinsically attainable

Steady stages of contemplative reassurance
Invoking airstream sensations hovering under my wings
Feathers drying in slow successions
Muscles multiplying into their functionalities
Bones fusing and mending
Soul gaining reconnection
Identity progressively recalibrated
Igniting visions of gliding above the towers
Transmuting nightmares into hopes

Wind draft slowly giving me lift
My ever longing to soar like an eagle
From clifftops on pockets of wind
Where hopes richly abound
From the abundance of freedom
To which wholeness is restored
Towards the fulfilment of life’s purpose

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here