PIT OF DESPAIR

Ramin Entry #49

3 November 2023

What do I do in this pit of despair?
My inner reality is crumbling
My inner world is crushing
My heart aches like there’s no tomorrow
This pain I’ve never felt before
This pain feels different
It’s burning my heart
It’s making my body tremble and shake
The tears won’t stop

I know not what to do
Except to keep writing
To describe this as best as I can as it’s happening
What is happening to me?
I’m writing this in a safe environment
Cognitively I know I’m safe
But my heart burns
My heart feels extremely unsafe
This trembling is about to explode my head
This sorrow is too much to bear

I’m asking God…
I’m complaining to God…
I’m pouring my heart to God…
Why me?
Why is this happening?
Why are you allowing this to happen?
I can’t bear this pain
I can’t stand this suffering anymore
I’m not strong enough for this
I hate this
I so hate myself
I hate you, God
Forgive me, God
Why are you doing this to me?
What have I done to deserve this pain?
Why are you allowing me to live?
I don’t want to live like this
This is too much burden for me to bear
This is killing me
I’m cursed
Why am I so sensitive?
I didn’t ask to be this sensitive
I didn’t ask to be in this body
This cursed body
This body brings me shame
This body brings me trouble
This body brings me pain
This body brings me sorrow
This is not my body to begin with
I don’t want this body
This cursed body
I don’t want this life
This cursed life

Oh God…
What have I buried so deep as a child?
This weight of the world heavy upon my chest
This chest is about to burst open
This chest can’t breathe anymore
Every breath labored and burdensome
How long will this breath last?
How long can I hold my last breath?
Can I give you my last breath right now?
Can I surrender my life to you now?
I can’t hold on any longer
I can’t bear this pain anymore
Please take this pain away from me
I’m trying my best to stay alive

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here