SURREALISM CALMNESS

Ramin Entry #12

Following my wife’s advice, I had given myself a break yesterday from learning about traumas, dog, rabbit, and transformation.

I awake with a surreal feeling again as if nothing has happened, that it might as well be just a dream, but with a distinct difference of certain calmness and serenity in my brain.

Trauma subsides…Stimulus subsides…Anger subsides…Disappointment subsides…Pain subsides…

What’s left is a sense of stillness and care-less perspective that everything is A-OK. I wonder if this is like how Mother Nature heals and regenerates during the coronavirus pandemic.

Or is it?…

Is this my dog-mind playing tricks and mind games yet again? Is this what it feels like healing from traumas? The pain has been so much infused that my new reality is to resort to repeated self-questioning of this experience and existence. My mind seems to escape into default reboot mode as soon as it gets a chance. I have had an unhealthy and distrustful relationship with the very thing that occupies the space in my skull, having been lied to, tricked, misled, deceived, cheated, abused, neglected, ill-treated, insulted, disrespected, hurt, wounded, gaslit, belittled, invalidated, embarrassed, humiliated, shamed, fooled, betrayed, and tortured.

Is this like the period of silence when all lifeforms flourish again after the destruction of a volcanic eruption? Nevertheless, I can feel an undeniable danger in this calmness…an eerie feeling of the magma from the volcano being pushed back inside, relapsing to the state of a lifelong dog-life neuro-programing. My deep emotions seem unreachably deep to numb my mind of the pain as if begging for stimuli and triggers as reminders of ongoing transformation, to fight off reverting back to the state of being stuck, abused, and unfulfilled. This has become a daily occurrence. I am a rabbit, not a dog.

Until the next stimulus

Until the next trigger

Until the next injustice

Until the next untruth

Until the next oppression

Until the next unfairness

Until the next misunderstood

Meanwhile let me bathe and indulge in this quietness a little longer while I regain peaceful fellowship with God.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless