SURREALISM OVERHAUL

Ramin Entry #5

For the last few days I’ve been waking up with uneasy feelings of surrealism as if being in an upside down and inside out world. My mind felt flaccid with blurred intersecting lines.

So many looping questions and thoughts kept popping up in rapid successions in my headspace…

Did all those just happened?

Is this just a dream?

Did I really just discover myself as a rabbit?

Is this still the remnants of bipolar disorder?

Is this my mania talking?

Is this my depression talking?

Am I just making all these things up?

Am I just seeking attention?

Is this really happening?

Was I really abused?

Did I really see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Am I just being too sensitive? (Ironically sad that I should ask this question)

Is this what it looks like and feel like healing and rising up from an abuse? I get so used to the pain that I keep questioning myself over and over again if this good thing is really happening to me.

I used to blame my aggressors as a survival mechanism, but I don’t do that anymore. I am just sad that my loved ones made it into the list. They didn’t know what they were doing, so I forgive them. They had their own unrealized traumas and issues. They were just projecting their own traumas and issues.

The world around me seems to continue normally while my world in my head is wildly different and messy. My mind seems to be playing tricks and mind games or even war games. My reality of growing up as a dog…my reality of having bipolar disorder…my reality of now being a rabbit…and other realities I have yet to mention, all seem to be rubbing and collapsing into and against one other. Where do I belong in this tapestry called my life? This massive information is quite daunting and may be beyond my brain’s ability to process at the moment. It doesn’t help that I have no one to talk to in details who could understand what is happening. I have to rely on myself like how it has always been.

It feels so lonely yet again.

I had such strong conviction of being a rabbit. I’ve now understood I am the way I am, I feel the way I feel…that I’m going through this transformation, but it doesn’t discount the fact that it still hurts…excruciatingly bad…like ripping a bandage off an inflamed skin…hurt as it may, the relief comes almost immediately like a soothing ointment. They say that emotional abuse sustains long term mental injuries and may take a prolonged time to heal. I have to constantly remind myself that something good is happening and I just discovered who I truly am. It’s a big challenge to start living as a rabbit, to unlearn most everything about being a dog, to overhaul my entire narrative system of core beliefs and re-learn them as a rabbit. Transformation is not a quick fix. It is gradual.

I had told a friend that writing his chaotic thoughts can be a cathartic process, to just pour out onto the page to give his other senses a chance to work together as a way to process his deep-seated emotions. As a cathartic process, I discovered that writing is how I currently know best to express my deep emotions. Keeping the blurred lines inside my headspace messes me up. It is a jungle in there, a war with myself that nobody else can see or understand. I admit I am messy. But I am honest about it and about myself and I don’t hide anything, at least not intentionally. I don’t live a double life anymore and pretend everything is ok. My thick layers of masks are off, so what you see is what you get. It’s a work in progress but it is nevertheless progress that I am working through and proud of. I have the courage and guts to face my fears and demons. I know and admit my weaknesses. By talking about it, I own my emotions. Owning your emotions is an empowering and loving act you can do to yourself. I look forward to untangling and straitening the blurred lines to transform them into solid lines and be able to regulate my emotions.

Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless

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