WHERE AM I?

Ramin Entry #42

2 – 8 June 2023
Where am I now?
Where am I in myself?
Have I really met with myself?
Am I really in myself?
Or am I in spite of myself?

Tears reigning down
Waves pounding like a tsunami
They know no origin
They know no destination
They know no reason

Emotions undulate harshly
As snappily as bursts of memories
Flashing in rapid successions
To burn their existence
Into the void of my heart

Attacks upon attacks
Discriminations upon discriminations
Judgments upon judgements
Persecutions upon persecutions
Unimaginably from loved ones no less

Substantial deep-seated anger subsides steadily
Its melting point catalytically solidifies self-peace
Tough stubborn residues persistently resurface
To rip apart dormant wounds and unworthiness
The sting reverberates my every cell’s chambers

My heart longs for acceptance
In tandem of amiss validations
Magma of worthlessness
From the loneliness inferno in deep abyss
Feels permanently resided

A resident or a squatter?
The latter I’ve come to recognize
Eviction seems futile
When the keys are illusively mysterious
In a complex labyrinth beyond comprehension

Understanding alone has proven insufficient
Logic is never meant to be a soloist act
We are created as Body, Mind, and Spirit
Gyroscopically balanced by Emotions
Emotions so vital yet fearfully avoided

A lifetime of emotional avoidance
Creating a seemingly infinite space of separation
Of a perceived I am and the authentic I am
A mere fistful size of the human heart
Yet a vast immersive journey that sees no end in sight

Truths as unbearable as they are
Revealed upon peeled layers of restorative work
In which lays recurring carbon copies of emotions
Now succeedingly distinguishable in perceptions
Anchoring deeper navigational dive into the Self

This very Self whose cries and screams
Tormented in horror hellholes of traumas
Attempts of jailbreak confronted by artilleries
From my own protective defense mechanisms
Backfiring to haunt me of my past

My history eluded my truth of existence
Conformity masked as emotional neglect
Neglect no more in search of my essence
Acknowledging my spirit yearning for an existence
In God’s hands my life I entrust and surrender

This journal chronicles my trauma-healing process and progress. If you’re interested to read in sequence in its entirety, you may jump directly from >here