WHO IS THIS VISITOR?
Ramin Entry #15
CHAPTER 1
Deep-Seated Anger came and went. Cognitive understanding fostered. Gentle shift flows within. Acceptance paved. Healing initiated. Physiological transformation induced. Inner world liberated.
Enlightened as I am, a special visitor knocks. Thick air of familiarity. Known him all my life, yet feels foreign. Door cautiously opens. My embarrassment in hiding.
A blanket of calmness radiates in a wink. Peaceful presence. Quiet. Composed. Dignified. Opposing contrast to Deep-Seated Anger.
He initiates a conversation. Charming behavior. Bigger-than-life mannerism. Polite charisma. Soft-spoken voice. Silky soothing breath infuses morning dew freshness. A sedative concoction to my aspirating lungs in reflex. My skin caresses in its kindred embrace. My hairs rise upright in indulgence. My eyes clench in pure ecstasy. My frail body craves in its assurance.
Who is this visitor? I am deeply mesmerized.
Conversation matures. Moment deepens. Unknowingly taken aback to childhood, I, a fragile little boy.
CHAPTER 2
He is with me. He is always with me.
He never leaves me. He is always around.
He watches over me. He is always there.
He follows me. He is always everywhere.
My family is uncomfortable with him.
My family doesn’t like him.
My family doesn’t trust him.
My family doesn’t understand him.
My family doesn’t accept him.
My family thinks he’s abnormal.
My friends are uncomfortable with him.
My friends don’t like him.
My friends don’t trust him.
My friends don’t understand him.
My friends don’t accept him.
My friends laugh at him.
My friends tease him.
My friends think he’s weird.
My friends think he’s strange.
My friends think he’s abnormal.
My friends don’t want to play with him.
My friends don’t want to talk to him.
He is not my friend.
He is annoying.
He is disturbing me.
He is a troublemaker.
He gets in the way of playing.
He gets in the way of talking.
He gets in the way of doing.
He gets in the way of hearing.
He gets in the way of seeing.
He gets in the way of thinking.
He gets in the way of feeling.
He gets in the way of everything.
He makes me look weird.
He makes me look strange.
He makes me look weak.
He makes me feel sad.
He makes me feel shy.
He makes me feel timid.
He makes me feel frustrated.
He makes me feel scared.
He makes me feel frightened
He makes me feel embarrassed.
He makes me feel nervous.
He makes me feel anxious.
He makes me feel worried
He makes me feel confused.
He makes me feel rejected.
He makes me feel small.
He makes me feel worthless.
He makes me feel insecure.
He makes me feel angry.
He makes me cry, a lot.
I don’t know what he wants.
I don’t understand him.
I don’t want him around.
I don’t feel confident.
I don’t feel safe.
I can’t get rid of him.
He is with me. He is always with me.
He never leaves me. He is always around.
He watches over me. He is always there.
He follows me. He is always everywhere.
CHAPTER 3
Life wasn’t kind to the fragile little boy. Constantly misunderstood. Confused. Emotionally abused. Verbally abused. Mentally abused. Physically abused. Always felt different. Never felt belonged. Never felt accepted. Never felt loved. Nobody knew why. Nobody could explain. Nobody cared.
All he wanted was to be nurtured.
All he wanted was to be accepted.
All he wanted was to be loved.
CHAPTER 4
Nobody listened to him.
Nobody understood him.
Nobody cared for him.
Nobody accepted him.
Nobody loved him.
He was sad.
He was hurt.
He was lonely.
He was a curse.
Society demanded. Basic survival instincts triggered. The fragile little boy responded. Life-or-death dilemma at tender age. Pressured to adapt. Forced to conform. People pleaser he became.
Bad visitor. Kill visitor. Little did he know; a death wish he had signed. Peril he had unlocked; by virtue of innocence. The genesis of his life’s demise. The embark of his inadvertent unending life’s decay.
CHAPTER 5
The fragile little boy grew. Traumatized. Now a man. Heart hardened. Callous. Rigid. Intolerant. Demanding. Unyielding. Uncompromising. Uncooperative. Unbending. Unforgiving. Still misunderstood. More confused. Emotionally abused. Verbally abused. Mentally abused. Always felt different. Never felt belonged. Never felt accepted. Never felt loved. Nobody knew why. Nobody could explain. Nobody cared.
All he wanted was to be nurtured.
All he wanted was to be accepted.
All he wanted was to be loved.
Nobody listened to him.
Nobody understood him.
Nobody cared for him.
Nobody accepted him.
Nobody loved him.
He was alone.
The visitor still lurking in the shadow, waiting, loyal.
CHAPTER 6
Life punishingly deteriorated. Dysfunctional. Battered. Dilapidated.
I ceaselessly rejected the visitor. Pushed him aside. Pushed him away. Pushed him deep. Shoved him in my pocket, in my bag, in the trash bag. Threw him; anywhere, anyhow, everywhere. Buried him. Burned him. Feared him. Ashamed of him. Avoided him. Ignored him.
He let me. He waited.
CHAPTER 7
The visitor persisted. He never left. He was always there. He was always around. I didn’t recognize him. He kept visiting me, unannounced. He kept knocking on my door. He kept reminding me. He was a menace. I wouldn’t let him in. I ignored him. I was harsh on him.
I abused him. I treated him with hostility. I was angry at him. I hated him. I abandoned him.
I imprisoned him; entombed deep in dark abyss.
Society demanded. Unending conformity battles; an autopilot predominance. Instinctive people pleaser; a master of disguise. Immeasurable masks staging; a stealthy aficionado. Traumatized; savagery in magnitude. Still misunderstood. Evermore confused. Emotionally abused. Verbally abused. Mentally abused. Always felt different. Never felt belonged. Never felt accepted. Never felt loved. Nobody knew why. Nobody could explain. Nobody cared.
Felt conflicted.
Felt rejected.
Felt dejected.
Felt small.
Felt empty.
Felt depressed.
Felt dead within.
I, a walking corpse.
CHAPTER 8
My very being made wrong. My existence; questioned, unwelcome, dismissed, repulsed, ridiculed, contemned, condemned, denied. My sanity; discredited, invalidated, contradicted, challenged, despised, objected. Toxic became me; venom I spat all around. Lifelong adaptive behaviors; irrelevant, futile, backfired. Trusted adaptive defense mechanisms; crumpled, crumbled, backfired. Naked to maltreatments, criticisms, humiliations, abuses, aggressions, attacks. Disconnected. Hanging by a thread. In the pit of despair. Gravely traumatized. Still misunderstood. Beyond confused. Emotionally abused. Verbally abused. Mentally abused. Always felt different. Never felt belonged. Never felt accepted. Never felt loved. Nobody knew why. Nobody could explain. Nobody cared.
Existential crisis.
I was bleeding sadness.
I was miserable.
I was in sorrow.
I was in anguish.
I was in despair.
I was in agony.
I was empty.
I was angry.
I was suffering.
I was torn into pieces.
I was lonely.
I was a nobody.
I was trash.
I was a curse.
I was full of hatred.
I was dying inside.
I didn’t feel whole.
I meant nothing.
I hated myself.
I was hurt; excruciating.
I wanted to die; repeat.
CHAPTER 9
Nobody listened to me.
Nobody understood me.
Nobody cared for me.
Nobody accepted me.
Nobody loved me.
I was alone.
The visitor persisted.
He has been with me. He has always been with me.
He has never left me. He has always been around.
He has been watching over me. He has always been there.
He has been following me. He has always been everywhere; with me.
He waited; 44 years; patiently.
He found a way back to me; his secret mission.
He hadn’t revealed himself; silent.
He guided me to HSP; covertly.
I was in shock! My entireness identified in HSP! I am a highly sensitive person!
A miraculous blessing! Felt alive. Life regained. Life saved. Embraced wholeheartedly. Immersed myself. Anger settled. Hatred settled. Healing initiated.
Freedom; at last!
I now could breathe.
I now could accept myself.
I now could be honest to myself.
I now could be compassionate to myself.
I now could be kind to myself.
I now could be gentle to myself.
I now could forgive.
I now could let go.
I now could move forward.
I now could love.
Who is this visitor? Known him all my life, yet feels foreign.
CHAPTER 10
Conversation intensifies. Moment becomes unsettling. Taken deep into subconscious; I am cautious. Mindfulness arises. A grim reality brewing. Bewildering fright emerges. Face heats. Brain numbs. Lungs gasps. Chest pumps. Heart jumps. Jaw clenches. Skin moist. Muscles paralyze. Eyes flood; bloodshot.
Reality check…
My life is a lie!
I am a lie. I lied to myself. Most everyone lied to me. My life; a giant bubble of lies. Lies to hide my true identity. A gigantic mysterious cover-up.
CHAPTER 11
The visitor has been my guiding star; my true North.
He loves me.
He knew me since the beginning.
He knew me before I could breathe.
He knew me before I could feel.
He knew me before I could see.
He knew me before I could talk.
He knew me before I could walk.
He knew me before I could learn.
He knows me inside out.
He knows my pain.
He knows my sadness.
He knows my sorrow.
He knows my suffering.
He knows my anger.
He knows my hatred.
He has been there all along.
He has been there protecting me.
He has been there watching over me.
He has been there alerting me.
He has never left me alone.
He has never criticized me.
He has never hurt me.
He has never been angry at me.
He has never hated me.
He doesn’t react.
He doesn’t blame me.
He doesn’t control me.
He hears me.
He supports me.
He comforts me.
He understands me.
He is proud of me.
He is not ashamed of me.
He wants to be with me.
He waits for me to be ready.
He doesn’t mind being hidden.
He doesn’t mind being imprisoned.
He doesn’t mind being entombed.
He doesn’t need recognition.
He doesn’t need acceptance.
He doesn’t need validation.
He doesn’t feel offended.
He doesn’t feel rejected.
He doesn’t feel discarded.
He knows himself.
He accepts himself.
He is comfortable with himself.
He is kind.
He is patient.
He is humble.
When I was in need, he was there.
When I was afraid, he gave me courage.
When I was weak, he gave me strength.
When I was lost, he gave me directions.
When I was sick, he was by my side.
When I was sad, he cheered me up.
When I was hurt, he consoled me.
When I was angry, he comforted me.
When I was threatened, he sheltered me.
When I was giving up, he encouraged me.
Whenever I wanted to die, he reassured me.
Whenever I was at cliff edge, he pulled me back to safety.
Whenever I was on the brink of death, he gave me hope.
He took care of me in secret.
He took all the blame.
He took all the shame.
He sacrificed himself for me.
He was dying so I could live.
He is who he is.
He;
my dearest soul;
my dearest spirit;
my dearest HSP;
my dearest Self.
CHAPTER 12
My enemy is myself.
This war is against myself.
This is my fault.
I wanted to be listened to, so much.
I wanted to be understood, so much.
I wanted to be nurtured, so much.
I wanted to be cared for, so much.
I wanted to be accepted, so much.
I wanted to be loved, so much.
I was empty.
I wanted to feel belonged, so much.
I caused this to happen.
I made myself the way I am.
I allowed this to happen.
I have blamed myself.
I have shamed myself.
I have hurt myself.
I have broken myself.
I have rejected myself.
I have cursed myself.
I have denied myself.
I have disowned myself.
I have made myself evil.
I have made myself unwhole.
I have become my worst enemy.
I have buried myself; deep.
I have murdered myself; constantly.
I was too ashamed.
I was too scared.
I was too weak.
I was too complacent.
I was too oblivious.
I was too arrogant.
I was too automatic.
I was on autopilot.
I was being narcissistic.
I was being egotistical.
I was being abusive.
I was being a tyrant.
I was being cruel.
I was being a dictator.
I was being presumptuous.
I was being assumptious.
CHAPTER 13
I’m sorry for not seeing you.
I’m sorry for not knowing who you are.
I’m sorry for not recognizing you.
I’m sorry for not being aware of you.
I’m sorry for not accepting you.
I’m sorry for not having the courage to accept you.
I’m sorry for not accepting your uniqueness.
I’m sorry for not having the courage to be different.
I’m sorry for not listening to your story.
I’m sorry for not realizing your potential.
I’m sorry for not empathizing with you.
I’m sorry for not being compassionate with you.
I’m sorry for not making you important.
I’m sorry for not having the courage to fight.
I’m sorry for not fighting with you.
I’m sorry for not fighting for you.
I’m sorry for not being kind to you.
I’m sorry for not caring for you.
I’m sorry for not taking care of you.
I’m sorry for not being there for you.
I’m sorry for not tending to your emotional needs.
I’m sorry for not tending to your sufferings.
I’m sorry for not showing you gratitude.
I’m sorry for not existing with you.
I’m sorry for not listening to you.
I’m sorry for not trusting you.
I’m sorry for not liking you.
I’m sorry for not loving you.
CHAPTER 14
I’m sorry for abandoning you.
I’m sorry for leaving you behind.
I’m sorry for making you into a stranger.
I’m sorry for hiding you in the dark.
I’m sorry for denying you.
I’m sorry for rejecting you.
I’m sorry for being afraid to be unique.
I’m sorry for being afraid to be different.
I’m sorry for doubting you.
I’m sorry for questioning you.
I’m sorry for misunderstanding you.
I’m sorry for mistaking you as an enemy.
I’m sorry for making you feel alone.
I’m sorry for making you feel unworthy.
I’m sorry for making you feel unwhole.
I’m sorry for making you feel insignificant.
I’m sorry for disconnecting from you.
I’m sorry for making you feel unsafe.
I’m sorry for being oblivious to you.
I’m sorry for being complacent.
I’m sorry for blending into society.
I’m sorry for becoming other people.
I’m sorry for making you into a people pleaser.
I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.
CHAPTER 15
I’m sorry for abusing you.
I’m sorry for accepting abuse.
I’m sorry for internalizing abuse.
I’m sorry for disrespecting you.
I’m sorry for living carelessly.
I’m sorry for mistreating you.
I’m sorry for dismissing you.
I’m sorry for punishing you.
I’m sorry for being pretentious.
I’m sorry for invalidating you.
I’m sorry for blaming you.
I’m sorry for shaming you.
I’m sorry for calling you names.
I’m sorry for criticizing you.
I’m sorry for second-guessing you.
I’m sorry for degrading you.
I’m sorry for fighting you.
I’m sorry for being hostile to you.
I’m sorry for hurting you.
I’m sorry for harming you.
I’m sorry for being angry at you.
I’m sorry for belittling you.
I’m sorry for corrupting you.
I’m sorry for scaring you.
CHAPTER 16
I’m sorry for insulting you.
I’m sorry for cursing at you.
I’m sorry for victimizing you.
I’m sorry for scarring you.
I’m sorry for resenting you.
I’m sorry for hating you.
I’m sorry for torturing you.
I’m sorry for ruining you.
I’m sorry for showing you contempt.
I’m sorry for throwing you away.
I’m sorry for trampling all over you.
I’m sorry for burning you into the fire.
I’m sorry for calling you trash.
I’m sorry for treating you like trash.
I’m sorry for shredding you.
I’m sorry for chopping you into pieces.
I’m sorry for causing you constant grief.
I’m sorry for making you feel anxious.
I’m sorry for making you feel depressed.
I’m sorry for making you suffer.
I’m sorry for driving you into rage.
I’m sorry for driving you into madness.
I’m sorry for wanting to murder you.
I’m sorry for attempting to murder you.
CHAPTER 17
Disconnected from Self I cease to exist.
Lost. Desolate.
An existential crisis.
How did I end up here?
Where do I belong in this cruel world?
How do I live now?
What is the meaning of life?
What is my purpose in life?
I; awaken from dark abyss.
I; awaken from blindness.
I; awaken from deep slumber.
I; awaken to question life; my life, everything.
I; my life; reborn, reset, recalibrate, relearn.
Awareness is key, for it is one of the most powerful and grounding tools we can equip ourselves with. It helps us be more self-aware as we develop more humility, compassion, empathy, and love for ourselves and others. Please be kind to yourself and others. God bless
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